Why AaakashVani deserves to be seen.

SPOILERS..SPOILERS..SPOILERS...

Chances are you might not have seen AakashVaani. Even in multiplexes, it couldn't survive even one week. But it deserved to be seen. Some of the reasons I could think of are as below. 

1.      Its best bits are poles apart from the best bit of Pyaar ka Punchnama-  last film of director Luv Ranjan.  To me that shows that the director is not afraid to push his envelope. This genre thing sometimes kills an artist. He is not going to turn into another Imtiaz Ali or worse, another RGV who  started with Shiva, rocked with Satya, was okayish with Company and deserved to be stoned for RGV ki Aag. And far more importantly, the director is not being different for the sake of it. The different bits are well directed and make a lot of sense. If you watch only the second half of AkaashVani, you will find it difficult to say that the same director made Pyaar ka Punchnama. And that is a good thing in my book.

2.      It says a topical story with loads of sensitivity. And subtlety.  And with a degree of taste not commonly found in Bollywood. In short, it is different. Not the “different” said by Rakhi Sawant or Mallika Sherawat everytime they find work. For example, this film raises the issue of marital rape before people started going :O at the mention of marital rape in Justice Verma report.

3.   There was a scene in Dil Chahta Hai – the coming of age film of our generation in several ways. It came towards the end of the movie after Aamir Khan had proposed to Preity Jinta. In this scene, Ayub Khan manhandles Preity and is punched by Aamir. I am sure there must have been claps inside the theatre at this point. After all Aamir was behaving like a quintessential male is supposed to. Like a knight in shining armour, saving his lady love. What is not there to adore about?

There is a similar scene in AkaashVani. The girl is manhandled by her husband. His parents stand around being all wimpy. His boyfriend is also there. And the girl goes up and lands a full-bodied slap on her husband. Full “Dhai Kilo ka haath” type slap. I don't know about others, but I clapped at this scene. And I don't know if there is something to adore in it, but I found a lot to admire in this scene. 

She doesn't do it because her boyfriend is some napunsak type but because she could do it. Actually later when her douche bag husband comes for her again, his boyfriend does get involved. Now I am not saying that Preity couldn't have hit Ayub Khan but sometimes it is important to show things. 

In another scene, the chasm between a typical Indian husband and a housewife is concisely shown in a scene where the husband asks her wife for water in a manner the significance of which can only be seen and not written about. And there are many such scenes in the movie which are easy to gloss over if you are not truly engrossed in the movie. Now that is a big IF, which brings me to my last point. 

4.    Possibly this is the most important point I could think about. AkaashVani is a good example of how and why not to make a film if as a director you are confused or constrained. I know many people who walk out of a film at interval if they get bored. Simply put, such people will never know why the film was good and all my above points will sound Greek to them. It was as if director decided to come out of his comfort zone only after he had shot half his movie. As if he was hoping that he will come across some bingo moment like that 5 minute speech by Rajjo from Pyaar ka Punchnama. 

I have a simple yardstick to judge a movie no matter how classy, pertinent or artistic it might be. A good movie must not bore me. On that count, AkaashVani fails miserably in first half. Fortunately I am not a professional reviewer, so I can turn a blind eye to bad bits while talk about the good ones, but it does get excruciating after a point. 

The movie could have been a great counter for something like Cocktail with the stereotyping it depicted. But chances are that the people who decry Bollywood’s misogyny citing examples like Cocktail, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai or the likes will never watch AkaashVani. And the worst part is I can’t even blame them for that. They might counter by saying that they left by the interval and I will have nothing to retort back. 

It should be seen so that one may understand how not to screw up in this manner. I should be seen so that some directors out there can understand that it is better to be different and fail rather than be formulaic and boring. Take David for example. It was also a terribly boring movie at points but it got those much needed brownie points for being different. 

Sadly, for AkaashVaani, by the time it tried to be different, the brownie was all gone.

Mere Brother Ki Dulhan and My Conundrum

I am wondering these days whether I can review movies. I have consistently held , even if not in written word in all my posts about everything written being my view, not review. I am not qualified enough to be a critic. Because for one, I liked “Mere Brother Ki dulhan” and loathed “That Girl in yellow Boots.”  If I were a critic, the adjectives used for these movies would have been opposite. Or I might have even loved That Girl…. So technically I am not a critic. Taran Adarsh is a critic, because he loved “That Girl in Yellow Boots” and gave it 4 stars. According to him, the finale hit him like a ton of bricks. Everybody I know of who were fateful enough to watch that -yes all three of us-  had guessed what the end is going to look like. But then , Taran Adarsh likes anything. He is the antithesis of Devil’s Advocate. He gave “Mere Brother ki Dulhan” 4 stars as well . Actually he gave “Do Knot Disturb” (you remember?)  3.5 stars. Actually Mark Zuckerberg told me that the Facebook  like button using which you can like statuses which condole somebody’s death as well was inspired by Taran Adarsh. Actually.. ok you get the point, right?

Sometimes I miss the point of Anuraag Kashyap’s movies. But in “That girl in yellow boots” I missed the whole game. I simply do not want to go to a movie to do brain exercise to deduce the various acts and scenes which are the supposed illustrations of various degrees of subtleties a film maker can achieve   . Was the massage parlour symbolising the greasing of palm one is required to do to get every governmental job done? Was the constant chattering of the owner of the parlour a connotation for the constant din in the protagonist’s life? Did the character of Naseeruddin Shah typified the father Ruth never had? Did  the yellow boots symbolise…Oh leave it. Did the yellow boots symbolise anything at all? I don’t want to find out. I wanted to get entertained when I spend my 200 bucks, which did not happen. I can find numerous “Find the difference” and “Find the similarities” games on internet for free. And in my honest opinion, Kalki is not that fine an actress either as she is touted to be. Does acting only comprise of a grim mood, dark environment, shrieks, and hysterics?  I am no fan of acting of Katrina Kaif, but for me she was good in MBKD. She gave good expressions importantly at the right times, rolled her eyes well and conveyed appropriate amount of devilry through them. I never imagined that I will ever write such lines for Katrina, but she was good. But still she has been panned by critics. Guess that is what it takes to be a critic. The usual reaction “That girl in yellow boots” elicits is that of shock. I mean that is what I have been told. And I wonder what is so shocking about it. Is it child molestation or incest? Now, do we need a movie to tell us that these exist in reality? So, why seeing reality on the big screen shocks them? Is it because anytime we go to see a movie, they expect to see escapist cinema? Then why does watching something like “Mere Brother Ki dulhan” which is escapist cinema at its core disappoints them? And if they do not expect that, why get shocked at seeing something like “That Girl In yellow Boots” ? I do not expect to get answers. May be it is the taste thing. Rom-coms are anyway panned universally by critics with rare exceptions. But then , why would someone go to a romcom expecting to be shocked? Or expect that one will have anything different from a “run –of-the-mill” good ending? Or expect that if two people are protagonists, somehow they will not end up together just to provide a different ending? Now did anyone really expect Katrina Kaif to get hitched to  Ali Zafar  movie when  Imran Khan with all his Bollywood connection is lurking around? Really? But for me , I do not go to watch movies for the sole purpose of expecting to get shocked. Better I will sit at home and search YouTube for shocking videos instead. I go to get entertained. Simply put, MBKD with all its flaws, entertained me .  That girl in Yellow Boots didn’t despite it’s several subtleties which the critics regularly found orgasmic. Besides what was left in That girl in Yellow Boots if you could guess the end and take away the “shock”  as happened to me , is pretty much still unclear to me. Was it this trailer which is doing the rounds these days? Ch***yappa and handshake? Please don’t tell me that this trailer has not been released just to lure the so- called “ front benchers” using lewd gestures and slang language. If that is the truth, then why carry the pretence of being an off-beat, classy movie?

 Phew… Ok, enough of ranting now. Now did I  give you the impression that MBKD is a hugely entertaining, sugar-sweet, “Four Wedding and a Funeral-esque” funny movie which attains the climactic heights any romcom can aspire to get to ? No, it is  not surely. It is actually a silly movie actually. So silly that it shows BEST buses outside IGI Airport , Delhi. Actually it was more silly that Billy trying to do a wheelie in the rush hour traffic in apni Dilli and it is more clichéd than the word “Clichéd” has becomes a cliché to describe romcom movies. And  the movie is more silly than the last sentence I framed. It has the leading pair who on the account of their last few misadventures are quite proven to be incapable of acting. And if it was not enough, there is John Abraham as well for a quick dekko with his non-existent expressions. I have a theory regarding why Bipasha dumped him. Because he couldn’t “express” his love for her.  It has Imran khan , who had he been an animal would have had 4 left feet trying to “ape” the dance steps of the three Khans.  Now that is only possible if one Khan is your Uncle and you can be relatively assured that he will not sue you for doing that. Now , what is stopping the other two Khans from suing him, I don’t know. They have a camp right in front of The Tajmahal . Surely, Mayawati will want to know more about that. May be we will se a 5 star hotel in just that place in the coming days. And if you want to do better video calls than as those shown in Reliance ads, you should consider acting in movies. I have always doubted Reliance’s ability to deliver but this movie removes all doubts that the best video calls happen in movies and movies only. And that is about its silliness. Additionally it is clichéd at innumerable places.

But you will enjoy the movie if you expect beforehand that it is going to be silly and clichéd like all romantic movies are. I mean which is the last actress you remember who married a books store owner in reality? But that did not stop Notting Hill from being what it was. Love Actually was actually full of stupidity. But it was also full of love. They were good because they made you feel good and they were not bad just because they were stupid and clichéd. Mere brother Ki Dulhan does that, though to only an extent. But then that is why it is not Notting Hill or Love Actually. But who says that film making can only be Sholay on one side and RGV ki Aag on other? 

Best of Bollywod in 2010 (according to me , of course)

Top 10 Movies :-


10 ) Rajneeti :-

I still vividly remember the sense of anticipation and excitement Rajneeti left me with at the interval. But by the time movie had veered towards it culmination , I had well realised that that feeling was not to some directorial brilliance or some moving acting skill. It was because the first half was primarily based on two of the most dramatic and stirring books I have come across –Godfather and The Mahabharata. It just was the book which was rubbing off on the movie. Nevertheless, it still could have ended up quite poorly. For the fact that it ended up being palatable , it makes my top 10.

 9 ) Peepli Live :-

In a lot of lists , this flick figures way up. Not in mine though. May be I have  not watched as much “world cinema” to earn my stripes. Or, just because this is India’s Oscar entry, it should figure way up. May be to my non-intellectual mind , some metaphors still seem more like jargons.  Whatever, but for me its humour originated from some crass abusive lines, which somehow did not go well for me. It somehow seemed an extension of Slumdog Millionaire to me. And I did not have a very good opinion about Slumdog either. But Peepli scored because it projected that message well which it set out to. That of a farming not being a lucrative  livelihood option for many in several parts of India. Add to that some believable performance coupled with some really good characters, made Peepli a decent watch.

                             

8) Rann :-

By now, I have glossed over around 6-7 lists on the net similar to mine and nowhere I could find a mention of Rann. Don’t know why, coz it was released in 2010. 29^th January, to be precise.  Some called it ill-researched. Wonder what they had to say about Slumdog Millionaire. Well, ill researched in my book is as bad as half-baked research. Rann was irritating at points but all RGV movies are irritating at points. But, at points it was brilliant too, as again all RGV movies are . But what puts it into 8^th position for me was that the brilliant points comfortably outnumbered the irritating points.   

7) Dabangg:-

Kamal Karte ho Sir jee. Dabangg ko hi bhool gaye ??

 Dabangg and Wanted have been probably the least pretentious movies of the Bollywood so far. What you see is what you get.  You can love it or hate it . But then there are millions of Salman fans out there who can only love a movie which is full of Salman. It was polar opposite of something like Tere Bin Laden (yes, I am classifying Dabangg as comedy),  but still quite a joy ride.   And then there was Sonakshi. Well, I repeat that  I am still wondering that how do these macho men of yesteryears like Shatrughan Sinha  and Anil Kapoor keep producing such beautiful daughters. 

6) Ishqiya :-

After I came out of the theatre, if somebody had told me that it would find 6^th  place in my year end list, I would have gone , “Naah… 9^th or 10^th may be, if we are unlucky for the rest of the year.” That it comes at No.6 is a proof of the absolute drivel Bollywood has served us all year. But let that not take anything away from the movie Ishqiya was. Three things pulled it into top 10. Dialogues which were both crackling and cracking as if written after having smoked Charas, Vidya Balan and Dil To Bachha Hai Ji. Add to that an opening disclaimer which actually claimed that the movie is “almost” fictitious. All that was enough to make Ishqiya pull its weight in what has been a largely barren year for Hindi Cinema.

5) Phas Gaye Re Obama :-

The only thing I did not understand about this movie was what Obama was doing in its title. Some sort of metaphor , may be. Or it was just destined for me that Obama and Osama will rule this year’s comedy scene. Farah Khan , please watch this. This is how you pull of a heist. Akshay Kumar, please watch this. This is how you make people laugh. And everybody, please watch this. Because, it deserves to be watched. And yes , please ignore Neha Dhupiya. She is just there to reiterate the fact that nothing can be perfect. 

 4) Udaan :-

A father like Ronit Roy was not the only thing unbelievable about this. Add to that a plot set in Jamshedpur which has only two things- TATA and XLRI, the younger cast all of which were completely unknown except Manjot Singh (Young Lucky In Oye Lucky Lucky Oye) who got all together a screen space of 10 minutes. And a screenplay if called rebellious will probably be the understatement of the decade. To put it in perspective , one senior person I know termed the movie malicious , misguiding, disrespectful and a stigma to our culture if viewed widely. But at the end of the day Udaan emphatically proved that any movie which is made with its heart in the right place, strikes the right chords. One thing which struck me throughout the movie was its innocence. Be it the protagonist Rohan, his cute younger brother, his Uncle when he is accused by his father to be a “fat loser”, even the scene where Ronit Roy asks his son to smoke in front of him and to top it all the scene where a drunk father explains to his son that he actually did visit him once only to back off because without him he looked happy. Precious.

3) Tere Bin Laden:-

Set in Karachi,  Pakistan . Isn’t that is the country which perpetuated 26/11 ?? Starring Ali Zafar , again from Pakistan. Sorry, but Ali Zafar, WHO???  And with the theme as the world’s most wanted terrorist , Osama.  A Bollywood movie made on these!!! Chances  it being liked ?? Hahahaha!!!! But not quite sir, and thanks heavens that movie making is not quite politics. I liked Main Hoon Na, Heyy Baby and Golmaal 1 . But this movie and Phas gaya re Obama proved that subtlety lasts and only subtlety lasts. In a year when some “comedies”, if you can call them that, almost wanted to smack your head , pierce open your eyes and tear open your jaw while employing these very antics in order to “ order” you two laugh, these two almost gave you democratic choices . Not that it mattered anyway. Armed with a super script and brilliant acting, this movie showcased that Osama can be adorable , cute and amazingly funny.

2) Love, Sex aur Dhokha

To put it simply , Dibakar Banarjee is the best director we have in film industry. Because, I simply refuse to believe that any other director could have picked a motley bunch of people and turn them into the most impressive ensemble cast of the year. And I simply refuse to believe that any other director could have extracted such level of performance from everyone in a cast the names of any of whom have never been heard before. And I refuse to believe that any other director could have made a movie which ends so haphazardly but still leaves not even an iota of inadequacy in viewer’s mind. And I simply refuse to believe that any other director could take shock, shock and shock and then term it Love,  Sex and Dhokha and all the while make the translation entirely plausible. And I simply refuse to believe that any other director could have made Ekta Kapoor produce a film which has no  cruel Saas, but a brutal Sasur. And , to put it simply, I simply refuse to believe that anybody but Dibakar Banarjee could have made this film 

1) Band Baaja Baarat:-

There will be people who might take it as a reflection of the poor year that the Bollywood had in 2010 that a flick like Band Baaja Baarat is at the top of the table. But if I am asked to compile a list of best rom-coms of Bollywood in past 25 years, this movie will surely find a place in top 3.  A good rom-com should leave you with happiness in your heart and smile on your lips. This surely did that and more. It filled you with hope after TMK and Ravan that good writers are not yet dead in Bollywood. It made you believe that for making an authentic movie on a city , you do not have to be some Danny  Boyle descended from wherever to research on our own place  to show us that how shitty and bad our own country is . If you want to make  a movie on Delhi, having a proper dilli ka dil  in the right place will do wonders. It made me wide eyed that Anushka Sharma can actually act. And it made me shrug  the notion that only Hugh Grant or Hugh Grant- ish  actors can light up a rom com . A Ranveer Singh who at the first glance looked like an ordinary lampat Jatt  ready for a fisticuff can prove to be a worthy match , if not better. And it did all that while having and letting us all have some good old fashioned our own Mauj.

  

 Awesome Mention Of the Year:-

Tees Maar Khan:- 

It was such an awesome movie that all theatres , awesome or not raised their ticket prices to  awesome levels. And I was such an awesome fellow that I spent an awesome amount of money, patience and guts to watch this awesomely awesome film. Just imagine , what can be more awesome to have every character in the movie awesomely copy bonafide awesome antics of awesome Akshay Kumar. 

 Top 10 Songs :-

10)   Lehrein ( Aisha) :- A beautiful song which again emphasised to me that Javed Akhtar , if and when he wants can be a brilliant writer, though that sadly is not always is the case.

9) Des Mera ( Peepli Live) :- Though Mehangayi Dayan  garnered more publicity , I could hardly see how it actually fitted in the premise of the movie and ultimately that song seemed to be included for just that , to garner publicity. On the other hand , for a change Indian Ocean came up with an upbeat song. And they were just as good with this as well.

8) Main Jiyoonga (Break Ke Baad) :- A vastly underrated song , it shared the same fate as the whole album did. But the lyrics were apt , music good. A tragedy that the song was not included in the movie as the movie had a plot which was perfect for this song. 

7) Tum Jo Aaye ( Once upon a time in Mumbai) :- It was more a case of selecting one song out of the best album of the year than anything else. And I go with this . The Rahat Fateh Ali Khan version to be precise.

6) Jaane Kiske Khwaab (Guzaarish) :- For me , the best song  to paint an appropriate picture of what the movie is going to be like.

5) Surili Ankhiyoin Waale (Veer):- The only good thing about Veer was that this song featured thrice in the movie. In full.

4) I am in love (OUATIM) :- One song out of OUATIM was never going to be enough. It was too good an album for that.  

3) Naav Chadhti ( Udaan) :- The most inspiring song of the year. Enough said.

2) Dil To Bachha hai Jee  (Ishqiya) :- The list could not possibly have been complete without Gulzaar coming into it , isn’t it? This song had the most simple , most striking ,  and the most identifiable lyrics and was one for the ages.

1) Shaam (Aisha) :- The most soothing, most sweet and the most serene song to come out of Bollywood in may be last 5 years. It was.

  Top 5 Albums:-

1)      Once upon a time in Mumbai :- Even a song like Baburao made perfect sense in the movie.

2)      Aisha :- One song was crap, one was so so , but rest three   were so good that the album is right up there. 

3)       Guzaarish :- It is the best album you can find to listen in a particular mood and in particular setting. To find out which mood and setting I am talking about, you have to listen toi the album.

4)      Udaan :- The movie was different . The music was no different.

5)      Break ke Baad :- All the songs were similar in mood , even the sad ones. But I am not complaining now. 

  Special Mention :-

Cinematography in Ravan :- 

I was ready to watch this, yes this piece of absolute drivel for a second time just to see the scenes once again. The work of Santosh Sivan and V. Manikandan was cinematographic orgasm unfolding on screen. 

 Happy New Year to all. And here is just wishing that this New Year is good for Bollywood too. It did not have even an average 2010 which made our year a bit less good in its own way. Cheers…

It's The Man.. Movie Review: Dabangg

First Superman , then Batman , then Spiderman  ,then Iron Man then Shaktiman, and then came Sal-man. And then some more Salman , and some more Salman, and some more Salman , and then only Salman and Salman and Salman and Salman and a then bit of Sonakshi too. And then some more Salman and some more Salman and.....

 I will post the full review once my mid semesters get over. Hopefully.

In the mean time, you can read the Wanted review here. There won't be much difference anyways. 

P.S. - I can't fathom the fact that how these rugged machomen of yesteryear keep bringing out such beautiful girls!!!!! First Sonam Kapoor, and now Sonakshi Sinha.

Aieeeeeeeeeeshaaaaaaaa........

Chic chic Chiclet.  When I was growing up in terms of my height,  there used to be a very popular chewing gum called Chiclet. It was like any other gum available. I could not figure any reason why it was so popular as there were twenty more similar if not better tasting gums in the market. It was predictably bland, chewy, boring and if you could stick it in one place without getting your hands dirty, you could stretch it for as long as you please. But still I used to walk around with it in my mouth all day. Guess , I had nothing better to day at times than chew it. But, what a pity!

Then I grew up a bit . And I came across a term which sounded a lot like Chiclet but was told that it was certainly a lot different than a chewing gum. It was called Chick lit. Two or three Chick lit later, I was searching for the man who gave me that advice with an idea in my heart which was close to being of revenge and murder. They were girly, almost smelled pink , the boys were nothing more than props and in my opinion used to cast women in a demeaning light. All the women in them cared about was marriage. And as long it was any marriage , the world for them was nothing more than a wedding shamiana  or a church where you got to go and sign the attendance sheet as a bride or even better- as a bridesmaid.

And then I grew up a bit more. And then came Aisha.  And to know how it was, simply join the above two paragraphs and read them. That’s all…

Image courtesy, http://www.yorkshirebiztalk.com

How Did She Let Go of This??

These are the lyrics of the song “ Tainu Tv Par” from LSD. Please keep the part in bold in your mind as you go through the post.

Tainu Tv Per Wekhya
Hai Main Tujpe Marr Jawa) - 2
Mujhse Shaadi Karle Aa 
Chad De Laaj Sharam Parda

Tainu TV Tainu Tv

Sabnu Kiss kardi firdi ae,

Saddi Jaan tarasdi hai,

Mainu bhi famous karde,

TV pe tu kiss kar de.

O kudiye Gal man le meri, 

Mera makeup hai ready,

O Eligible bachelor 

Kar le mera Swayanmvar.

Tainu TV tv tv tv

 Ban ja biwi biwi biwi,

Tainu Tv Per Wekhya
Hai Main Tujpe Marr Jawa) - 2
Mujhse Shaadi Karle Aa 
Chad De Laaj Sharam Parda
(Tainu Tv) - 2, Tainu Tv Per Wekhya

Maine murder hain kiye,

channel par tere liye, 

Daal le aag mein thodi ghee, 

Ban jaye controversy.

Tainu Tv Tv Tainu Tv Tv

Fir hum maal kamayenge

Ek bangla banwayenge,

usme 2600 Tv , 

banaye show reality,

Tainu Tv Tv Tv

Phir tu star main bhi star, 

Lokhi dekhan barambar

Saare desh badal ke vesh 

Khatri Remote Paunda Bhangra 
Tv Tv Tv Ban Ja Biwi Biwi Biwi

Tainu Tv par dekha…..

                                        Ring  a bell?? Did it ? No?? Now read only the 

bold portions. Still nothing?? Ok. So I saw you on T.V and I liked you a lot. 

Please marry me without any inhibitions which you obviously have none of. 

 You kissed everyone . So please kiss me on T.V and we will create a 

controversy out of it. I am also an eligible bachelor . So please choose me in 

your swayamvar and become my wife. And then we will celebrate our marriage by pouring ghee in the fire and create another controversy out of it.  And if 

that does not work, we will then have a big house built in which there will be 

cameras in every nook and corner and we will make a reality show out of it by playing Big Boss- Big Boss inside it. Then surely we will have enough muck on our hands . Even Mikka will look up to us then. We will change the television 

viewing topography in our country. 

Still did not get anything? Welcome Mr. Ishaan aka Darsheel on my blog. 

Thanks for visiting. So are you the one she is waiting for?

Image Courtesy :- www.manjul.com

Mera Naam Hai Chamili

Mera naam hai chamili

Main hoon plumber albeli,

Chali aayi main akeli,

ThakRey ke ghar se.

Uska pot tha bilkul toota,

Usme atak gaya tha uska lota,

lote ko nikala maine badi zor se.

Aur haan , meri chaal bhi hai matwali.

(video link)

And you know, I had a lot of difficulty doing that. I hate yellow colour na.I know that the pot is white, but somethimes,it is not what is outside that matters, but what is inside that matters, and inside ThakRey's it is all yellow yellow, you know. Are I am talking about his pot only re, but you know what I mean, you naughty.....I know. And remember,

My name is Chamili.

And I am not toilet saaf karne waali

I am a plumber re.

I know I might remind you of that Chameli or this Chameli but, I am Chamili re.I am as sweet as that you know and even uglier than before, but this time I have my husband Kajal Johnokhan for company. No, not that Kajal from Hum Paanch re, she was a girl re,not a boy. For a long time I used to think of her as boy, but then after marriage I realised that she is a girl. You know I have Asperger’s syndrome na, that is why. God programmed me with that syndrome. He actually wanted to program me with Autism , but that is coded in java , Asperger’s in C. It is easy to program , you C . Only a, b, C.So, now I am like a programmed robot.So sweet.But, Kajal is also sweet. Sweeter than me even . I first thought that he must be suffering from Autism to marry me. But then after marriage I came to know that actually he wanted to adopt me . It would have been an added advantage. You see, I am also a plumber na, specializing in toilets. But then he was not allowed to adopt a big lady like me. But then , with someone one with Aspirer’s syndrome , no Asperger’s syndrome like me , It does not really matter whether you marry or adopt, does it?

And then, you know, mere marad ne mujhe ghar se bahar nikal diya . What did I do? Just I tried to revive his son, who fell into a drain which I forgot to repair. And tried to bring him to life with an electric shocker which I had repaired to function at 10 volts but which gave a current at 100 instead. So he died. But I was able to remove the black marks due to electricity by using choona-choona. See, I can repair almost anything. Even the dead, you see.

Last week I saw 3 idiots. My favorite scene was when Amir was taking bath in the bathroom. I am the plumber na. So, in ThakRe’s house, I installed a pump operated pot. You don’t have to apply pressure to relieve yourself there. No more sounds like aaah …aaah ..aah then aha…. like that come from his toilet now. You see , I don’t like loud noises as well, na.

Now, my husband wanted me to meet the person who invented the toilet and learn the skill of repairing toilets. Did I say I can repair almost anything. Please notice that " almost". So, I am off to meet him. I have visited many toilets, but I have not found him yet. Does he go to toilets? Silly question , he must be. But I suffer from Asperger’s syndrome no, so like tubelight you know..

And now I am off to Will-she-mean-kya. It is a place in northern jungles. It was visited by Katrina last yesterday. Not the hurricane baba,Kaif re.Katrina kaif. Haan haan real waali. She went there to learn aping skills from a monkey. She thinks if she can speak hindi then it will be good to promote Rajneeti. Nahi re, she will not learn hindi from the monkey, only nakal. Then she will be able to imitate Prakash Jha well. But what to do, she caught dysentry there. Loose motion. Everybody knows that she does not know how to act. I am letting you a liitle secret . She doesnot know how to act, and she does not know how to clean her toilet either. That is why I am going there. But let me remind you,

My name is chamili,

and I am not a toilet saaf karne waali.

I am a plumber re.

But she is Katrnia re.

So I am going. I have seen on T.V that there is a lot of foul smell out there. That is all caused by Katrina- When she has visited the toilet and when she has not. All the wild animals have fled the jungle therefore. Actually half of the animals had already fled when they came to know that Katrina is visitng. They thought that Salman will come too. but he did not. Guess he knew about the gastronomic variations of Katrina. Now, don't ask me that how did I remember "Gastronomic" if I have Asperger's syndrome. If I can remember Asperger's then I can remember Gastronomic as well. Now don't go into much details. I remember the choiciest of abuses as well. Teri maa ki...

Do you think that I have stretched my story too far? Yes, I also think so. I am late by 25-30 mins now. I must go. You know , even the monkeys have fled. So I must hurry. I might get to meet that man who invented toilet there. And If I do,Kajal will adpot me once again.

And yes, please remember, that the story of my life is as true as Mehnaz herbal beauty products and PBC. What did you say? Liar, liar, pants on fire? But that is my dialogue , Cheater cock.But, let me turn back and see. Oh yes....I am burning. I want to cry, but I can't. I just don't understand if I can remember "Asperger's" why can't I remember how to cry. Where are my stones now......