Bored Bakaiti

कुछ दिन से ऑफिस में bore हो रहा हूँ. पहले कॉलेज में होता था. अब यहाँ हो रहा हूँ.  

लद्दाख जाने का प्रोग्राम बना है. शायद बैठा बैठा उसके दिन ही गिन रहा हूँ. कुछ लिखने का भी मन कर रहा है. सोचा था आ कर ही कुछ लिखूंगा. कुछ तो punchlines सोच भी ली थी. मसलन, “दिल्ली हो या दरभंगा, इससे नीला आसमान तो शायद किसी धार्मिक सीरियल में कैलाश पर्वत पर भी नहीं दिखाते.” अब ये लाइन तो यहाँ ठेल दी है. खैर, असल पोस्ट के लिए किसी और झूठ की तलाश कर ली जायेगी.

आजकल हमें ट्विटराने (Twitter) का भी चस्का लगा है. मतलब account तो बरसों से था. कभी नज़र फेर लेते थे तो कुछ लोगों की ट्वीट अच्छी भी लग जाती थी. और  फिर उन्हें हम अपने 43 followers के दरमियान फैला भी देते थे. 43 follower . जिनमे से 40 तो उस किस्म के जंतु थे जिन्होंने हमें इस आस में फालो किया था की हम पलट कर उन्हें भी फालो करेंगे और फिर ऐसा न करने के बावजूद हमें अनफालो करना भूल गए. बाकी तीन घर वाले हैं जिन्होंने इसलिए फालो किया जिससे की निगरानी रह सके कि घर में मधु-मिश्री सी बातें करने वाला लौंडा कहीं बाहर जाकर हनी सिंह तो नहीं बन जाता. अब उन्हें block भी नहीं कर सकता नहीं तो पता लगे कि अंदेशे अंदेशे में ही लड़का दुनिया से शेष हो गया.

एक Twitter बड़ी अद्भुत चीज़ है. आप चाहें तो दुनिया भर के बकवास सुन सकते हैं . और न चाहें तो क्या ही है? रिकॉर्ड करके अपनी ही बकवास सुनते रहिये. फिलहाल तो हमें लोगों कि चर्चायात्रा सुनने में ही आनंद आ रहा है. स्वयं ज्यादा चुपचाप ही रहते हैं कि कहीं इधर मुंह खोलें और उधर हमारे बेवक़ूफ़ होने का प्रमाण साक्षात् हो जाये. अब चुप रहकर ही इतना सारा ज्ञान प्राप्त हो जाता है. जैसे आजतक मैंने सत्यमेव जयते का कोई भी एपिसोड नहीं देखा. अब कामक़ाज़ी व्यक्ति हैं. वेल्ले थोड़े न हैं. तभी तो सन्डे सोने में गुजारना पड़ता है. पर ट्विट्टर कि ज्ञानधारा में डूब डूब कर जो हमने अपने दोस्तों के साथ वितंडे या फिर अपनी भाषा मैथिली में कहें तो “घमर्थन” किये हैं, कि वो भी नज़रें तरेर कर हम से कहते है, “साले, सारा दिन तो हमारे साथ पड़ा था. ये कब देख लिया तूने?” अब उन्हें कह देते हैं कि “यार अंटी में हमने चाँद छुपा रखा है. दिमाग पर रौशनी पड़ती रहती है.” चाँद नहीं है तो क्या, पृथ्वी तो है. पृथ्वी माने दुनिया. दुनिया माने ट्विट्टर!!

खैर, पिछले कुछ दिनों में दुनिया (असली वाली) काफी बदल गयी है. या फिर यूँ कह लीजिए कि दुनिया(ट्विट्टर वाली ) काफी हिल गयी है. गुवाहाटी का कांड, राजेश खन्ना की मौत और अब आसाम के दंगे. TOTO (Topic Of Today’s Outrage) decide करने वालों के दोनों हाथों में TOTO हैं.

गुवाहाटी पर हमने कुछ लिखा तो था, पर वो ड्राफ्ट किसी फोल्डर में पड़ा अपनी अंतिम सांसें गिन रहा है. हमने सोचा औकात में रहते हैं. इतने सीरिअस ज्वलंत आगभुभुक्का टापिक पर मुंह मार कर काहे को बजरबट्टू बनें. चादर के हिसाब से पैर फैलाते हैं. बाकी आगे का तो कोई भरोसा है नहीं. दिमाग ही तो है. बेमतलब के पारे के माफ़िक इधर उधर ढुलमुलाता रहता है.

तो पिछले दिनों श्री राजेश खन्ना साहब गुजार गए. क्या कहा? याद नहीं? अब बात ही कसूरवार है. साली पुरानी जो है. खैर राजेश खन्ना ने भी क्या किस्मत पायी थी. 10 साल कि चांदनी और फिर जो भुलाये , दुनिया को याद दिलाने के लिए उन्हें मरना पड़ा. और 10 दिन बाद दुनिया फिर भूल गयी. अब उनकी सालगिरह या बरसी का इन्तेज़ार करते हैं.

हमने उनकी फिल्में तो नहीं देखी, बस नगमें सुने हैं. और अगर याददाश्त के घोड़े कूचे भरें तो उन नगमों को शक्लें अख्तियार करते हुए बस दूरदर्शन पर “रंगोली” में देखा है बचपन में. उस से ज्यादा कुछ याद करने कि कोशिश करूं तो अक्सरहां वही घोड़े हमें धता बता जाते हैं. पर साथ में हमारी अम्मा  काका के प्रति उपेक्षा भी याद आती है. बकौल उनके ,उन्होंने अपने बेटी कि उम्र की डिम्पल कपाडिया से शादी करके फिर उसे छोड़ कर उसकी जिंदगी बर्बाद कर दी थी. पूरा Twitter उनकी याद में टसुए बहा रहा था. पर शायद हमारी अम्मा ने उनके लिए एक आह तक न निकली होगी.   शायद सही भी था उनका सोचना. थोड़ी traditional तो हैं वो . अब इस बात पर हमने आज तक उनका एहतिजाज़ नहीं किया . अब conformist, modernist या फिर fanboy कहलाने कि ललक में करेंगे भी नहीं. वैसे हमारा राजेश खन्ना से कोई लगाव रहा भी नहीं . शायद मेरी generation के काफी लोग इस ज़ज्बात से इत्तेफाक रखते भी हों. गाने किशोर कुमार ने गाये थे, पंचम ने compose किये थे. राजेश खन्ना तो यूँ कहें कि आज से कई बरस पहले ही गुजर गए थे.

गए दिन और भी बहुत कुछ हुआ. बम फटे. पुलिस को लगा किसी की मसखरी है. बाद में शायद यह कह कर सफाई दें कि अगर दहशतगर्द मजाक कर सकते हैं तो हम क्यूँ नहीं ? और कुछ ओलंपिक में मेडल भी जीते. बड़ा अच्छा लगा. और साथ ही ये भी पता लग गया कि गोल्ड छोड़िये, कोई भी पदक जीतना कितना मुश्किल होता है. अभिनव बिंद्रा के लिए दिल में जो इज्ज़त थी और भी बढ़ गयी. पर जो बात हमें सबसे ज्यादा मुतास्सिर कर गयी वो है इस्मत चुघताई की जीवनी और उर्दू ज़बान. अभी अभी पढ़ा है. और इस पोस्ट में जो इधर उधर मुख्तलिफ उर्दू के अलफ़ाज़ इस्तेमाल कर रखे हैं, वो हमने वहीँ से टेपे हैं. दो दिन में हम उर्दू के रासरचैया नहीं बन गए हैं.

खैर, पोस्ट लिखना इसलिए शुरू किया था क्योंकि ऑफिस में बोर हो रहे थे. अब नहीं हो रहे. तो बस काम धंधे पर चलते हैं अब.

The Secret - A Replug

This was posted by me in March'2010 while I was in college. And then was written regarding the rather mundane matters of "mass bunking" of college class. And today in reference to  the Salman Rushdie episode, I just  found it fit to re plug it.

The majority thinks that it is the majority who do not want to attend the class. So the majority decide not to attend the classes. But it is actually the minority who convinces the majority that it is the majority who does not want to attend the classes since the majority have already conceded for the absence from classes, the majority should also follow the majority. But the majority who wants to attend the classes is told by the minority that since the majority do not want to attend the classes, they should not break the majority by attending the classes. The problem is that majority is major in numbers , but is always found in fragments and doesn’t ever get to know what the majority thinks. So the minority manages to convince the majority that the majority is not going to attend the classes because that is the will of the majority and if majority goes otherwise, it will break up the unity of the majority and then the majority will turn into a minority . So, the class is not held coz the majority thinks that the majority does not want to attend the classes, and in the end, the minority manages to prevent the class from being held. By the time the bluff is called , the class is well over and if they get time majority might have a serious thought of renaming themselves “herds” , but just then another class is to take place and minority again springs up.....

That is how we bunk our classes, and more. Confusing , but sadly, true.

My way or Subway???

I have gone impolite these days. Just like some say that impossible can be read as I M Possible, I am wondering that if impolite can be read as I M Polite. Actually that was what I was shouting in front of the mirror in the bath room when my reflection shouted back, “impolite” at me and asked me to shut up. Now, if you believe this story to be true, then you are the exact kind of people I love to be reading my blog.  Those who will believe anything and everything I say. And trust me , I will behave absolutely the same when I get to your blog as well.

So the other day, I went to a subway outlet. Now if  you do not know what a subway outlet is , go and thank whatever God you pray to for your “ignorance”. And to add to that, you shall go to the top right corner of your browser and press that close button. Because I might  just describe “Subway” in this post. It will lose me a few readers (if any) , but the greater good, you know and all that . Subway is a place where the idea of making a cool burger is to put in stuff Italian people do  not like to eat into ice cold bread loaves. It is a place where you always stand  confused on the counter where they ask you to choose between 5 different types of breads , scores of  different ingredients and many different sauces and you just cannot decide which combination  is likely to be the least worst of all.  But  this time, well ….

“ Which bread Sir?”

“ Honey Oat please.”

“Sorry Sir, that is not available.”

“Then I will have umm… Italian Herb & Cheese.”

“ Actually even that is not available Sir. Only Parmesan Oregano is available.”

I was stumped.

“Then why did you ask?”

“Sir, because I am asked to  ask.”

I wonder whether I have gone impolite or there is something in the whole Subway atmosphere itself.

Mere Brother Ki Dulhan and My Conundrum

I am wondering these days whether I can review movies. I have consistently held , even if not in written word in all my posts about everything written being my view, not review. I am not qualified enough to be a critic. Because for one, I liked “Mere Brother Ki dulhan” and loathed “That Girl in yellow Boots.”  If I were a critic, the adjectives used for these movies would have been opposite. Or I might have even loved That Girl…. So technically I am not a critic. Taran Adarsh is a critic, because he loved “That Girl in Yellow Boots” and gave it 4 stars. According to him, the finale hit him like a ton of bricks. Everybody I know of who were fateful enough to watch that -yes all three of us-  had guessed what the end is going to look like. But then , Taran Adarsh likes anything. He is the antithesis of Devil’s Advocate. He gave “Mere Brother ki Dulhan” 4 stars as well . Actually he gave “Do Knot Disturb” (you remember?)  3.5 stars. Actually Mark Zuckerberg told me that the Facebook  like button using which you can like statuses which condole somebody’s death as well was inspired by Taran Adarsh. Actually.. ok you get the point, right?

Sometimes I miss the point of Anuraag Kashyap’s movies. But in “That girl in yellow boots” I missed the whole game. I simply do not want to go to a movie to do brain exercise to deduce the various acts and scenes which are the supposed illustrations of various degrees of subtleties a film maker can achieve   . Was the massage parlour symbolising the greasing of palm one is required to do to get every governmental job done? Was the constant chattering of the owner of the parlour a connotation for the constant din in the protagonist’s life? Did the character of Naseeruddin Shah typified the father Ruth never had? Did  the yellow boots symbolise…Oh leave it. Did the yellow boots symbolise anything at all? I don’t want to find out. I wanted to get entertained when I spend my 200 bucks, which did not happen. I can find numerous “Find the difference” and “Find the similarities” games on internet for free. And in my honest opinion, Kalki is not that fine an actress either as she is touted to be. Does acting only comprise of a grim mood, dark environment, shrieks, and hysterics?  I am no fan of acting of Katrina Kaif, but for me she was good in MBKD. She gave good expressions importantly at the right times, rolled her eyes well and conveyed appropriate amount of devilry through them. I never imagined that I will ever write such lines for Katrina, but she was good. But still she has been panned by critics. Guess that is what it takes to be a critic. The usual reaction “That girl in yellow boots” elicits is that of shock. I mean that is what I have been told. And I wonder what is so shocking about it. Is it child molestation or incest? Now, do we need a movie to tell us that these exist in reality? So, why seeing reality on the big screen shocks them? Is it because anytime we go to see a movie, they expect to see escapist cinema? Then why does watching something like “Mere Brother Ki dulhan” which is escapist cinema at its core disappoints them? And if they do not expect that, why get shocked at seeing something like “That Girl In yellow Boots” ? I do not expect to get answers. May be it is the taste thing. Rom-coms are anyway panned universally by critics with rare exceptions. But then , why would someone go to a romcom expecting to be shocked? Or expect that one will have anything different from a “run –of-the-mill” good ending? Or expect that if two people are protagonists, somehow they will not end up together just to provide a different ending? Now did anyone really expect Katrina Kaif to get hitched to  Ali Zafar  movie when  Imran Khan with all his Bollywood connection is lurking around? Really? But for me , I do not go to watch movies for the sole purpose of expecting to get shocked. Better I will sit at home and search YouTube for shocking videos instead. I go to get entertained. Simply put, MBKD with all its flaws, entertained me .  That girl in Yellow Boots didn’t despite it’s several subtleties which the critics regularly found orgasmic. Besides what was left in That girl in Yellow Boots if you could guess the end and take away the “shock”  as happened to me , is pretty much still unclear to me. Was it this trailer which is doing the rounds these days? Ch***yappa and handshake? Please don’t tell me that this trailer has not been released just to lure the so- called “ front benchers” using lewd gestures and slang language. If that is the truth, then why carry the pretence of being an off-beat, classy movie?

 Phew… Ok, enough of ranting now. Now did I  give you the impression that MBKD is a hugely entertaining, sugar-sweet, “Four Wedding and a Funeral-esque” funny movie which attains the climactic heights any romcom can aspire to get to ? No, it is  not surely. It is actually a silly movie actually. So silly that it shows BEST buses outside IGI Airport , Delhi. Actually it was more silly that Billy trying to do a wheelie in the rush hour traffic in apni Dilli and it is more clichéd than the word “Clichéd” has becomes a cliché to describe romcom movies. And  the movie is more silly than the last sentence I framed. It has the leading pair who on the account of their last few misadventures are quite proven to be incapable of acting. And if it was not enough, there is John Abraham as well for a quick dekko with his non-existent expressions. I have a theory regarding why Bipasha dumped him. Because he couldn’t “express” his love for her.  It has Imran khan , who had he been an animal would have had 4 left feet trying to “ape” the dance steps of the three Khans.  Now that is only possible if one Khan is your Uncle and you can be relatively assured that he will not sue you for doing that. Now , what is stopping the other two Khans from suing him, I don’t know. They have a camp right in front of The Tajmahal . Surely, Mayawati will want to know more about that. May be we will se a 5 star hotel in just that place in the coming days. And if you want to do better video calls than as those shown in Reliance ads, you should consider acting in movies. I have always doubted Reliance’s ability to deliver but this movie removes all doubts that the best video calls happen in movies and movies only. And that is about its silliness. Additionally it is clichéd at innumerable places.

But you will enjoy the movie if you expect beforehand that it is going to be silly and clichéd like all romantic movies are. I mean which is the last actress you remember who married a books store owner in reality? But that did not stop Notting Hill from being what it was. Love Actually was actually full of stupidity. But it was also full of love. They were good because they made you feel good and they were not bad just because they were stupid and clichéd. Mere brother Ki Dulhan does that, though to only an extent. But then that is why it is not Notting Hill or Love Actually. But who says that film making can only be Sholay on one side and RGV ki Aag on other? 

Best of Bollywod in 2010 (according to me , of course)

Top 10 Movies :-


10 ) Rajneeti :-

I still vividly remember the sense of anticipation and excitement Rajneeti left me with at the interval. But by the time movie had veered towards it culmination , I had well realised that that feeling was not to some directorial brilliance or some moving acting skill. It was because the first half was primarily based on two of the most dramatic and stirring books I have come across –Godfather and The Mahabharata. It just was the book which was rubbing off on the movie. Nevertheless, it still could have ended up quite poorly. For the fact that it ended up being palatable , it makes my top 10.

 9 ) Peepli Live :-

In a lot of lists , this flick figures way up. Not in mine though. May be I have  not watched as much “world cinema” to earn my stripes. Or, just because this is India’s Oscar entry, it should figure way up. May be to my non-intellectual mind , some metaphors still seem more like jargons.  Whatever, but for me its humour originated from some crass abusive lines, which somehow did not go well for me. It somehow seemed an extension of Slumdog Millionaire to me. And I did not have a very good opinion about Slumdog either. But Peepli scored because it projected that message well which it set out to. That of a farming not being a lucrative  livelihood option for many in several parts of India. Add to that some believable performance coupled with some really good characters, made Peepli a decent watch.

                             

8) Rann :-

By now, I have glossed over around 6-7 lists on the net similar to mine and nowhere I could find a mention of Rann. Don’t know why, coz it was released in 2010. 29^th January, to be precise.  Some called it ill-researched. Wonder what they had to say about Slumdog Millionaire. Well, ill researched in my book is as bad as half-baked research. Rann was irritating at points but all RGV movies are irritating at points. But, at points it was brilliant too, as again all RGV movies are . But what puts it into 8^th position for me was that the brilliant points comfortably outnumbered the irritating points.   

7) Dabangg:-

Kamal Karte ho Sir jee. Dabangg ko hi bhool gaye ??

 Dabangg and Wanted have been probably the least pretentious movies of the Bollywood so far. What you see is what you get.  You can love it or hate it . But then there are millions of Salman fans out there who can only love a movie which is full of Salman. It was polar opposite of something like Tere Bin Laden (yes, I am classifying Dabangg as comedy),  but still quite a joy ride.   And then there was Sonakshi. Well, I repeat that  I am still wondering that how do these macho men of yesteryears like Shatrughan Sinha  and Anil Kapoor keep producing such beautiful daughters. 

6) Ishqiya :-

After I came out of the theatre, if somebody had told me that it would find 6^th  place in my year end list, I would have gone , “Naah… 9^th or 10^th may be, if we are unlucky for the rest of the year.” That it comes at No.6 is a proof of the absolute drivel Bollywood has served us all year. But let that not take anything away from the movie Ishqiya was. Three things pulled it into top 10. Dialogues which were both crackling and cracking as if written after having smoked Charas, Vidya Balan and Dil To Bachha Hai Ji. Add to that an opening disclaimer which actually claimed that the movie is “almost” fictitious. All that was enough to make Ishqiya pull its weight in what has been a largely barren year for Hindi Cinema.

5) Phas Gaye Re Obama :-

The only thing I did not understand about this movie was what Obama was doing in its title. Some sort of metaphor , may be. Or it was just destined for me that Obama and Osama will rule this year’s comedy scene. Farah Khan , please watch this. This is how you pull of a heist. Akshay Kumar, please watch this. This is how you make people laugh. And everybody, please watch this. Because, it deserves to be watched. And yes , please ignore Neha Dhupiya. She is just there to reiterate the fact that nothing can be perfect. 

 4) Udaan :-

A father like Ronit Roy was not the only thing unbelievable about this. Add to that a plot set in Jamshedpur which has only two things- TATA and XLRI, the younger cast all of which were completely unknown except Manjot Singh (Young Lucky In Oye Lucky Lucky Oye) who got all together a screen space of 10 minutes. And a screenplay if called rebellious will probably be the understatement of the decade. To put it in perspective , one senior person I know termed the movie malicious , misguiding, disrespectful and a stigma to our culture if viewed widely. But at the end of the day Udaan emphatically proved that any movie which is made with its heart in the right place, strikes the right chords. One thing which struck me throughout the movie was its innocence. Be it the protagonist Rohan, his cute younger brother, his Uncle when he is accused by his father to be a “fat loser”, even the scene where Ronit Roy asks his son to smoke in front of him and to top it all the scene where a drunk father explains to his son that he actually did visit him once only to back off because without him he looked happy. Precious.

3) Tere Bin Laden:-

Set in Karachi,  Pakistan . Isn’t that is the country which perpetuated 26/11 ?? Starring Ali Zafar , again from Pakistan. Sorry, but Ali Zafar, WHO???  And with the theme as the world’s most wanted terrorist , Osama.  A Bollywood movie made on these!!! Chances  it being liked ?? Hahahaha!!!! But not quite sir, and thanks heavens that movie making is not quite politics. I liked Main Hoon Na, Heyy Baby and Golmaal 1 . But this movie and Phas gaya re Obama proved that subtlety lasts and only subtlety lasts. In a year when some “comedies”, if you can call them that, almost wanted to smack your head , pierce open your eyes and tear open your jaw while employing these very antics in order to “ order” you two laugh, these two almost gave you democratic choices . Not that it mattered anyway. Armed with a super script and brilliant acting, this movie showcased that Osama can be adorable , cute and amazingly funny.

2) Love, Sex aur Dhokha

To put it simply , Dibakar Banarjee is the best director we have in film industry. Because, I simply refuse to believe that any other director could have picked a motley bunch of people and turn them into the most impressive ensemble cast of the year. And I simply refuse to believe that any other director could have extracted such level of performance from everyone in a cast the names of any of whom have never been heard before. And I refuse to believe that any other director could have made a movie which ends so haphazardly but still leaves not even an iota of inadequacy in viewer’s mind. And I simply refuse to believe that any other director could take shock, shock and shock and then term it Love,  Sex and Dhokha and all the while make the translation entirely plausible. And I simply refuse to believe that any other director could have made Ekta Kapoor produce a film which has no  cruel Saas, but a brutal Sasur. And , to put it simply, I simply refuse to believe that anybody but Dibakar Banarjee could have made this film 

1) Band Baaja Baarat:-

There will be people who might take it as a reflection of the poor year that the Bollywood had in 2010 that a flick like Band Baaja Baarat is at the top of the table. But if I am asked to compile a list of best rom-coms of Bollywood in past 25 years, this movie will surely find a place in top 3.  A good rom-com should leave you with happiness in your heart and smile on your lips. This surely did that and more. It filled you with hope after TMK and Ravan that good writers are not yet dead in Bollywood. It made you believe that for making an authentic movie on a city , you do not have to be some Danny  Boyle descended from wherever to research on our own place  to show us that how shitty and bad our own country is . If you want to make  a movie on Delhi, having a proper dilli ka dil  in the right place will do wonders. It made me wide eyed that Anushka Sharma can actually act. And it made me shrug  the notion that only Hugh Grant or Hugh Grant- ish  actors can light up a rom com . A Ranveer Singh who at the first glance looked like an ordinary lampat Jatt  ready for a fisticuff can prove to be a worthy match , if not better. And it did all that while having and letting us all have some good old fashioned our own Mauj.

  

 Awesome Mention Of the Year:-

Tees Maar Khan:- 

It was such an awesome movie that all theatres , awesome or not raised their ticket prices to  awesome levels. And I was such an awesome fellow that I spent an awesome amount of money, patience and guts to watch this awesomely awesome film. Just imagine , what can be more awesome to have every character in the movie awesomely copy bonafide awesome antics of awesome Akshay Kumar. 

 Top 10 Songs :-

10)   Lehrein ( Aisha) :- A beautiful song which again emphasised to me that Javed Akhtar , if and when he wants can be a brilliant writer, though that sadly is not always is the case.

9) Des Mera ( Peepli Live) :- Though Mehangayi Dayan  garnered more publicity , I could hardly see how it actually fitted in the premise of the movie and ultimately that song seemed to be included for just that , to garner publicity. On the other hand , for a change Indian Ocean came up with an upbeat song. And they were just as good with this as well.

8) Main Jiyoonga (Break Ke Baad) :- A vastly underrated song , it shared the same fate as the whole album did. But the lyrics were apt , music good. A tragedy that the song was not included in the movie as the movie had a plot which was perfect for this song. 

7) Tum Jo Aaye ( Once upon a time in Mumbai) :- It was more a case of selecting one song out of the best album of the year than anything else. And I go with this . The Rahat Fateh Ali Khan version to be precise.

6) Jaane Kiske Khwaab (Guzaarish) :- For me , the best song  to paint an appropriate picture of what the movie is going to be like.

5) Surili Ankhiyoin Waale (Veer):- The only good thing about Veer was that this song featured thrice in the movie. In full.

4) I am in love (OUATIM) :- One song out of OUATIM was never going to be enough. It was too good an album for that.  

3) Naav Chadhti ( Udaan) :- The most inspiring song of the year. Enough said.

2) Dil To Bachha hai Jee  (Ishqiya) :- The list could not possibly have been complete without Gulzaar coming into it , isn’t it? This song had the most simple , most striking ,  and the most identifiable lyrics and was one for the ages.

1) Shaam (Aisha) :- The most soothing, most sweet and the most serene song to come out of Bollywood in may be last 5 years. It was.

  Top 5 Albums:-

1)      Once upon a time in Mumbai :- Even a song like Baburao made perfect sense in the movie.

2)      Aisha :- One song was crap, one was so so , but rest three   were so good that the album is right up there. 

3)       Guzaarish :- It is the best album you can find to listen in a particular mood and in particular setting. To find out which mood and setting I am talking about, you have to listen toi the album.

4)      Udaan :- The movie was different . The music was no different.

5)      Break ke Baad :- All the songs were similar in mood , even the sad ones. But I am not complaining now. 

  Special Mention :-

Cinematography in Ravan :- 

I was ready to watch this, yes this piece of absolute drivel for a second time just to see the scenes once again. The work of Santosh Sivan and V. Manikandan was cinematographic orgasm unfolding on screen. 

 Happy New Year to all. And here is just wishing that this New Year is good for Bollywood too. It did not have even an average 2010 which made our year a bit less good in its own way. Cheers…

It's The Man.. Movie Review: Dabangg

First Superman , then Batman , then Spiderman  ,then Iron Man then Shaktiman, and then came Sal-man. And then some more Salman , and some more Salman, and some more Salman , and then only Salman and Salman and Salman and Salman and a then bit of Sonakshi too. And then some more Salman and some more Salman and.....

 I will post the full review once my mid semesters get over. Hopefully.

In the mean time, you can read the Wanted review here. There won't be much difference anyways. 

P.S. - I can't fathom the fact that how these rugged machomen of yesteryear keep bringing out such beautiful girls!!!!! First Sonam Kapoor, and now Sonakshi Sinha.

The Obituary

This is a rant, an absolute rant

They keep me failing,

As the water runs down,

May be,

Better I leave wailing ,

Or else, they will leave with a frown.

And they say ,

That the world is white , black or gray,

That depends on your calling,

But they leave me for the greener pastures ,

Huh!! I wonder,

Have I turned brown?

Aieeeeeeeeeeshaaaaaaaa........

Chic chic Chiclet.  When I was growing up in terms of my height,  there used to be a very popular chewing gum called Chiclet. It was like any other gum available. I could not figure any reason why it was so popular as there were twenty more similar if not better tasting gums in the market. It was predictably bland, chewy, boring and if you could stick it in one place without getting your hands dirty, you could stretch it for as long as you please. But still I used to walk around with it in my mouth all day. Guess , I had nothing better to day at times than chew it. But, what a pity!

Then I grew up a bit . And I came across a term which sounded a lot like Chiclet but was told that it was certainly a lot different than a chewing gum. It was called Chick lit. Two or three Chick lit later, I was searching for the man who gave me that advice with an idea in my heart which was close to being of revenge and murder. They were girly, almost smelled pink , the boys were nothing more than props and in my opinion used to cast women in a demeaning light. All the women in them cared about was marriage. And as long it was any marriage , the world for them was nothing more than a wedding shamiana  or a church where you got to go and sign the attendance sheet as a bride or even better- as a bridesmaid.

And then I grew up a bit more. And then came Aisha.  And to know how it was, simply join the above two paragraphs and read them. That’s all…

Image courtesy, http://www.yorkshirebiztalk.com

How Did She Let Go of This??

These are the lyrics of the song “ Tainu Tv Par” from LSD. Please keep the part in bold in your mind as you go through the post.

Tainu Tv Per Wekhya
Hai Main Tujpe Marr Jawa) - 2
Mujhse Shaadi Karle Aa 
Chad De Laaj Sharam Parda

Tainu TV Tainu Tv

Sabnu Kiss kardi firdi ae,

Saddi Jaan tarasdi hai,

Mainu bhi famous karde,

TV pe tu kiss kar de.

O kudiye Gal man le meri, 

Mera makeup hai ready,

O Eligible bachelor 

Kar le mera Swayanmvar.

Tainu TV tv tv tv

 Ban ja biwi biwi biwi,

Tainu Tv Per Wekhya
Hai Main Tujpe Marr Jawa) - 2
Mujhse Shaadi Karle Aa 
Chad De Laaj Sharam Parda
(Tainu Tv) - 2, Tainu Tv Per Wekhya

Maine murder hain kiye,

channel par tere liye, 

Daal le aag mein thodi ghee, 

Ban jaye controversy.

Tainu Tv Tv Tainu Tv Tv

Fir hum maal kamayenge

Ek bangla banwayenge,

usme 2600 Tv , 

banaye show reality,

Tainu Tv Tv Tv

Phir tu star main bhi star, 

Lokhi dekhan barambar

Saare desh badal ke vesh 

Khatri Remote Paunda Bhangra 
Tv Tv Tv Ban Ja Biwi Biwi Biwi

Tainu Tv par dekha…..

                                        Ring  a bell?? Did it ? No?? Now read only the 

bold portions. Still nothing?? Ok. So I saw you on T.V and I liked you a lot. 

Please marry me without any inhibitions which you obviously have none of. 

 You kissed everyone . So please kiss me on T.V and we will create a 

controversy out of it. I am also an eligible bachelor . So please choose me in 

your swayamvar and become my wife. And then we will celebrate our marriage by pouring ghee in the fire and create another controversy out of it.  And if 

that does not work, we will then have a big house built in which there will be 

cameras in every nook and corner and we will make a reality show out of it by playing Big Boss- Big Boss inside it. Then surely we will have enough muck on our hands . Even Mikka will look up to us then. We will change the television 

viewing topography in our country. 

Still did not get anything? Welcome Mr. Ishaan aka Darsheel on my blog. 

Thanks for visiting. So are you the one she is waiting for?

Image Courtesy :- www.manjul.com

The Secret....

The majority thinks that it is the majority who do not want to do the class. So the majority decide not to attend the classes. But it is actually the minority who convinces the majority that it is the majority who does not want to attend the classes since the majority have already conceded for the absence from classes, the majority should also follow the majority. But the majority who wants to attend the classes is told by the minority that since the majority do not want to attend the classes, they should not break the majority by attending the classes. The problem is that majority is major in numbers , but is always found in fragments and doesn’t ever get to know what the majority thinks. So the minority manages to convince the majority that the majority is not going to attend the classes because that is the will of the majority and if majority goes otherwise, it will break up the unity of the majority and then the majority will turn into a minority . So, the class is not held coz the majority thinks that the majority does not want to attend the classes, and in the end, the minority manages to prevent the class from being held. By the time the bluff is called , the class is well over and if they get time majority might have a serious thought of renaming themselves “herds” , but just then another class is to take place and minority again springs up.....

That is how we bunk our classes, and more. Confusing , but sadly, true. 

Bade Ball Hain Tere

Paanchod Besharma strutted out of his house.( Chod is pronounced as chor, not what you are pronouncing it now as, you pervert ) His wife SEE SEE has once again refused to comply to his rather sodomic wishes. He had been left feeling like a nympho and subsequently had started to devise ways to turn a necrophilist if not allowed to be sodomic. He was so dumb.

He turned his steps towards Girl-Boy road . He had in past been a regular there  to satisfy his carnal needs and used to go to his favourite Peela Peeli Dickshit.  But she has grown old now. Just like his wife SEE SEE. Not that he was still young- but he did not see it that way.  He was so dumb. He believed that till he had life in his bones and boneless’es, he could get up and stand. But Peela Peeli had grown old for his needs. She knew that and she had become a wimp . Actually P.B. thought so, as he reckoned that a woman pimp is called a wimp. Actually it was he who was a wimp. But, he did not know that. He was so dumb.

But it was all going to change. No, he was still going to remain dumb enough to not know that he was dumb, but Peela Peeli had promised to ensure him to a new bombshell- a new entrant , she claimed to have descended from the bloodline of Anarkali herself. She was called DATTU.

After 4 hours,

         Peela Peeli was right. He had already gone lattu on DATTU. With SEESEE he felt as if he was to due to retire  from any moment now. But with DATTU it was ,like he had got an extension of five years. She made him feel powerful. He felt like singing, "I got the power” one moment , the other  he felt shouting like Dr Jackal from Shaktiman-“ POWER”. He could have advertised for Titanic-K2 capsules that night.  Interestingly she did not even allow him to touch in these 4 hours. But he knew, that there will be time for deliberation , discussion and fornication. And for that he wanted to come back. DATTU had invited him the day after.  She knew that P.B and his wife SEESEE belonged to a very rich family.

3 days later,

P.B.  was standing in front of the mirror dyeing his hair black. SEESEE wondered aloud that what was the need to prove “Buddhi Ghodi Laal Lagam " right in these days. Besharma just smiled annoyingly to him. (Yes, this was a feat he had mastered, unlike others. But the reality was that last night , during one of those moments, DATTU whispered to him in one of those manner, “ Bade ball hain tere.”  But the dumb person he was, he could not understand the difference between Ball and Baal. Hence the dyeing . But he had not accounted for SEESEE who in night painted his hair white instead.  Then again that night DATTU told him in one of those moments, “Bade ball hain tere”. He fell in love with his white hair and has been dyeing it white ever since. He was so dumb.

2 months later,

It was P.B’s marriage anniversary yesterday. But he could not go to meet DATTU that day. Not even on the pretext of having to go to see the sick daughter of the local mafia don, as he himself arrived at the ceremony with his daughter in tow –hale and healthy. But as it turned out, DATTU got very angry and told P.B , “ It is time you decide between me and her.” And after some deliberation and discussion in which the only involved party was Besharma himself, he decided to marry DATTU and send SEESEE to an old age home.

But one major hurdle was Peela Peeli Dickshit. She wnted a good compensation as DATTU was one of her main attraction.  She asked for an unconfirmed sum of Rs 1 crore which P.B paid by selling SEESEE’s jewellery and some other assets she owned.

5 days later,

On the pretext of being sent to a beauty parlour, SEESEE was sent to an old age home in a far flung place the address of which was known to nobody. Both P.B and DATTU changed their religion to Islam to remarry. So, P.B. became Pravesh Badhazmi  and DATTU remained DATTU. You see, unlike SEESEE, no one knew about DATTU. She was anonymous , unknown creature. So there was no need to change her name. Also DATTU, as one can see is a religiously bastardized name- can be used in any religion. So, DATTU officially became the owner of the assets of P.B. and his first wife SEESEE. As one can see, she clearly was not dumb.

9 months later,

No, DATTU did not give birth to a child. P.B was not as young as he liked to believe. But instead his children with SEESEE -he was young once, as much you would like to believe the contrary- started to protest against his marriage to DATTU. They went downtown with slogans like “ Yellow Yellow , Dirty Fellow” in an obvious reference to Peela Peeli and “ Hua Hua, P.B chooha”.Now one might ask that why did they take 9  months to wake up and realise?? But like their father, they were also sooooo very dumb.


(If everything above seemed Greek to you, click here)

THe MaD ADs

Last week we had cultural fest in our college DCE called “engifest”. In this there was an event called “Ad Lampoons” in which one had to make an advertisement. Me and my friend group participated. I promised quite a few of my friends that I will post the ads we made for the competition. I hoped that at least this might result in some blog traffic. But I forgot that I am no ad maker and have the imagination of a goldfish and more importantly I forgot to ask somebody to record them. So there you go ...But I do not quite have the memory of the goldfish and I can tell you the concept and execution from my memory. After all if we can have ads on radio, I can as well come here to tell you to buy this and that.

The competition had a qualifying round , in which , we had to make an ad on any product we fancy. What we did is described below in as graphic a manner as I can manage.

There is a elderly person- played by my friend Lovlesh – sitting on floor with a mobile phone in his hand trying to crack it open in as earnest in a manner possible. 

Enters a young man played by another friend Vishwadeep. (I have kept the conversations in the language they were made in.) 

“Are Uncle ji, ye kya kar riye ho?”

“Wo kuch dhoondh riya tha.”

“Par mobile ko kyun tod rahe ho? Mobile ke andar ghus baithi hai kya?”

“Haan”

“Abe kya bewakoofi bhari baatein kar riye ho. Kya hai wo?

“Wo kal main ek cheez khayi thi. Badi acchi thi . Chip kahe ja rahe the use. Aaj subah padha ki mobile mein bhi Chip hoye hai. So use nikal riya hoon . Uncle to main hoon hi, ye chip nikal aave to Uncle Chip ban jaye . Fir maje mein khaoonga.”

At this point a character played by me jumped in and started bellowing while kicking out the Uncle and his mobile. “Uncle Chipps, No confusion, great combination.”

Well, however big a groaner this ad might have been , we got selected. Well it was more to do with the fact that the majority of the organisers were our friends. Anyway.....

In the second round, we were asked to design an ad for MRF if they venture into Soap/Shampoo business.

We had around 15-20 mins to conceptualize, practice and enact the ad. So here it is,

There were more characters in it which I will introduce as and when they appear. There was a narrator, which was played by me. So the scene opens thus....

Narrator(n)-

Aaiye aapko dikhate hain MRF shampoo ke tarah tarah ke upyog.

Enter two people –one Jhandu played by Lovlesh, and another Kamina played by Vishwadeep. Kamina applies the shampoo on his hair and Jhandu who looked pure dumbass figures that since it is from MRF, it must be for use on tyres. So,

N- 

Ek ne lagaya baal par aur doosre ne lagaya car ke tyre par.

Enters my friend Abhishek who plays a girl called Haseena . Both approach her on their bikes.

N

-Aur ye hai haseena

Ek hai jhandu, doosra Kameena.

When they approach her, both apply brakes, Jhandu’s bike skids off as it became extra smooth due to use of MRF shampoo. Kameena takes off with Haseena on his bike.

N-

Jhandu ka nikla paseena ,

haseena ko le gaya kameena.

MRF Shampoo, Kuch Bhi Smooth Kare.

So that was it. We won the first prize. But that was more to do with the fact that the organisers were our friends and the number of other participants was probably not more than 3, some of whom were there with crap like Main bahut pareshan tha, meri height bahut kam thi. and so on.

I was the scriptwriter, dialogue writer, director, music director, lyricist for the play. (I paid everyone of these 500 each to claim the credits. And anyway, they do not blog.Hehe.)

P.S- The links given are of orkut profiles.

Image courtesy www.ugc.dhingana.com