Introverts, Extroverts, and blah blah blah..

In the OB class in first semester of MBA, we were asked to fill in a long questionnaire and then do some calculations and so that we could find out what our personality type as per MBTI was. Such conversations ensued -.

“You must be something like an extrovert, right?”

“No. It says I am introvert. ISTJ as such.”

“Wow. But you talk with everyone you come across. How can you be an introvert?”

“-_-”

“-_-”

By the way, I was “diagnosed” as an INTP. I had known that for quite some time but had never given much thought to it. But suddenly I was being told that I was not good enough to be a leader as that probably required periodic war-cries which only extroverts can muster. Not even a month in MBA, it was a bit disconcerting.

So, I landed to do MBA in Gurgaon somewhere in June last year. Amongst the first things I observed here was the size of groups in which people were hanging out in. They were huge. Absolutely huge. It seemed that everyone except me had been in touch with each other even before the college had started via WhatsApp, Facebook and other means of social gratification. Imagine a group of 25 people walking around the campus post-dinner. There was just so much networking in the campus that it actually didn’t feel like a mere group of 25 but felt like a horde out on a conquest. And in that sense, I felt incredibly inadequate. I was kinda fat, my hairline had been thinning and it was not only that I was a bit older than my batchmates but I looked older than them as well. I felt like such a misfit.

In my defense, I did try to fit in. Attended random birthday parties, tried to stay relevant in a group of 25 by cracking lame jokes to which no one paid any kind of attention, went to booze parties where I was not sure why I was there and so on. And then that fateful OB class happened, I remembered that I am an introvert and realized that the label so conveniently suited me. It gave me security and it gave me answers. And the latter was much more important.

“Why didn’t you go to that party in which the whole class is going and there will be a lot of drinking and dancing and ‘networking’?”

“Ugh. Because introverts don’t go to parties. Remember, parties mein chutiye naachte hain.”

Labeling. FTW.

   

It had started to go well.

With those labels as crutches, I had returned to the last bench of the class – the proxy for my comfort zone. Away from the parties, away from random attempts of social validation, my next couple of months went away being the same non-descript, anonymous guy in the class and in the batch. I was happy sticking to the last bench and spoke as little as possible. It was not as if I had no friends. I did but in a manner which probably only a B-schooler can understand, we were misfits huddled together trying to pander to every stereotype you might have seen ascribed to introverts.

 (If I can digress a bit, the MBA is somewhat of a dichotomy in the sense that the kind of students it admits - at least in India – are different from what it expects them to be. There are presentations in every course, you are expected to be an effective if not enchanting speaker and the possibility to land plum jobs depends heavily on your ability to be assertive in group discussion of around 10 people and then in an interview. Still it admits a lot of nerds because basically the admission test tests your ability to be good at Maths and English. In any case, back to the original rant…)

After a month or two, something happened. As it always does in stories of self-discovery.

But actually, nothing happened. So, this isn’t a story of self-discovery after all.

I just became more comfortable with people. Or became comfortable with the concept of having people around myself. I guess this concept is called “familiarity” and surprisingly, as much as many Quora answers would want you to believe, it happens with introverts too. And then they start behaving like extroverts. You find a circle and in its own esotericism you laugh at jokes and you laugh at the people telling those jokes; some stories are told and some are shared; some crushes are discussed, some are dissed and some are dismissed. You don’t care if you’re extrovert or not because life is too ambiguous for that.  

(To be fair, some kind of mellowing happens with the extremely social too. The group sizes of 20 eventually whittled down to 4-5 or even 2 if the girl and the boy took a special liking for each other.)

Still, thinking about it brings some questions. If it really is a question of having increasing familiarity, spreading the envelope so to say, then at what point do you stop being an introvert and at what point you start being an extrovert? What if you start liking so many people that given sufficient time, you start being comfortable with all of them. After all, to like lots and lots of people, one doesn’t need to be an extrovert. Not being cynic enough is often sufficient. It is often told of extroverts that for them the world is a stage. What if as an introvert, you become familiar with the stage itself. Do you stop being an introvert?

The past year has been good to me. Because of many reasons, I became used to speaking in front of a lot of people. Possibly, I am not shy of crowds anymore.

But when it comes to people as individuals, it still is a chore. A bloody chore.  You break down a crowd into its ingredients and it is as if each one of it starts asking a question where earlier there was only one. All of them looking at you is fine enough but looking back in their eyes as they cross one-by-one down a street is impossible. Probably they are looking at you but you don’t know that as you are too shy to look at them. It is as if you discover that, the crowds be damned, shyness, often painfully and sometimes liberatingly stays.

And now, for whatsoever it is worth, I am not sure how much of an introvert I am. Or an extrovert for that matter. It actually is weird to think of myself as an extrovert. I really want to be cool enough to be associated with all the tropes being an introvert carries with itself. Tropes, which MBTI endows upon you. Some of them are cool, some of them are cold but most of them are just confusing.  But just like horoscopes, you pick and choose the ones you think you best relate with and then live with it. If you are introvert, then you are "well-read" and form "deep" relationships even if the only reading you have done recently has been dating & relationship tips on Quora. Being insufferable in general is acceptable because you are waiting for those to come up with whom you will form “deep relationships”. As I said, "Labels - For The Win".  It’s just so easy that it is almost convenient.  

I wish it was as black and white. 

 

Sometimes one is introvert enough to cry at a song and not tell anyone about it, still extrovert enough to sometimes go to a few parties and still wonder how can people be such; Introvert enough to not go home on Diwali as that will mean 3 days of alone time and extrovert enough to sometimes, just sometimes feel bad that only 12 people wished Happy Diwali on personal chat; Introvert enough to not tell all these travails to anyone whatsoever but extrovert enough to trust internet strangers to get this. Introvert enough to know when one needs to be an introvert, extrovert enough to know when one needs to stop being an introvert.

There have been times in the past year when I used to wake up from a 4-hour sleep to find 312 WhatsApp messages from 9 different contacts, many of those directed at me because of the certain official responsibilities I used to have. Often, I had wondered that when eventually these messages will stop coming in, and nobody will feel as much need of me, will I feel good at being left alone or feel bad at being left out? I will have the answer soon enough. But all I know is that like most of the things we tend to worry about, it too will be inconsequential. 

And that will be for the best.

Because, I am Sid

(Someone on Twitter asked me and a bunch of other guys to write a note on on-screen characters we could most relate to. Here is just a hurried attempt to do the same.) 


You remember Sid of Dil Chahta Hai? Akshaye Khanna played him. Now I am sure while messaging he writes proper sentences and never types lyk dis. How do I know? Because I am Sid. That is why. And the receding hairline is not even the sixth most significant similarity. And no, I can’t paint.

Let me do an exercise for you. Dil Chahta Hai was a cool movie, right? Probably the coolest ever made in Bollywood. Now who do you think was the coolest character in Dil Chahta Hai? Aakash? I will forgive you later for confusing juvenile with cool but did you notice the coolness with which he handles the fact that his friend is in love with a much older woman? Or is it Sameer? His being an ass and a relationship-sabotager went unnoticed just because Subodh was an even bigger ass. I didn’t know not being the biggest idiot in the town equated with being cool.

Well, do come back to me when you find an uncool act of Sid.

Maybe someday I will meet him and ask if he feels the same way as I do when he stands apart and looks at his urbane, chic friends attracting girls like moths to fire with their suave yet punkish sense of humor and wonder why in the seven hell are these guys his friends? What X-factor do they find in him when the best he can do is arch his eyebrows and twist his lips and say, “Tu kabhi nahi sudhrega na?”  Or maybe we will just look in each other’s eyes with the tacit allegation, “Remember Deepa? Your kandha act was so lame compared to mine. Farhan Akhtar suddenly hired Sameer to write your lines kya?” And he will just give me a blank look and go, “I wish your kandha act was from the era of silent films dude.” Tell him that sometimes I show people my funny, dark resignation letter which went viral in my last company or tell them that Gul Panag follows me on Twitter. Just like you walked Tara through your paintings. And tell him that like with you, it never worked.

There is something utterly relatable with someone who lets his friends screw-up. Like Sameer with Priya and that fraud firang in Goa. Someone who follows “I love privacy- be it mine or yours”. Someone who is ready to punch his friend because he basically infringed that line of the same.

Maybe we will hang out together. Probably at a bar, likelier at a barista. Maybe I will introduce him to my Akaash-es and my Sameers and mutter “kids these days” under our breaths.  Maybe we will compare our hairlines. But, mostly we will have fun together. People of our ilk do tend to like ourselves.

Kalyug (1981) -Random thoughts from a delayed viewing.

So recently I watched Kalyug. No, not that 2005 flick in which Deepal Shaw played the role of a Sunny Leone and she was so bad that Bhatt Camp decided that it is better to hire Sunny Leone herself for future projects. This one had real, grown up actors like Raj Babbar, Rekha, Shashi Kapoor and of course A K Hangal, was directed by Shyam Benegal and came out in 1981.Its story was loosely based on Mahabharata with many reference points borrowed from the epic.  Here is the IMDB page for it. 

(A character key is there at the end of the post. If you have not watched the film or have forgotten details, kindly refer to it.)

• First thing first, Mahabharata is an absolute brilliance that has been handed down the generations by our culture and history. It still is the most underrated story ever told. It is the greatest legacy of Hinduism bestowed upon us and the only people who have made hay off it have been writers who can afford to cater to a niche audience. Hope with the advent of multiplex era, somebody will treat Mahabharata with the intellect, perspective and creativity it so thoroughly deserves.
• I am so dumb when it comes to old movies. Listen family, I do blame you for that. Not you Mom ,
  though. You are the reason I can tell between Priya Rajvansh and Anita Raj. Thank you. *Hugs*
  
  
• Karan takes wine or martini. As does Bharat. Balraj takes scotch. Mr Saxena –a petty minion takes beer. And ladies take limca. As if the road to hierarchies of power goes through the drink of their choices. Neat. (Pun not intended)
• In the same vein, Balraj smokes his cigarette with a fancy cigarette holder while the representative of the workers’ union Om Puri’s cigarette is predictably bare. I bet the workers' representative Om Puri represents smoked nothing but beedi.
• The use of sunglasses by Om Puri in a closed room to make an effort to merge into an environment which clearly was a few notches above in social strata was fascinating. More so, as it reminded me of Rajkumar Rao in Queen, using similar sunglasses to cut off the surroundings in CCD.
• 

  So many ash-trays. Ah, the corporate life before the advent of smoke-detectors, safety showers and the related paraphernalia. 
  
• Useless Trivia- Only the youngest and the oldest member of the family had exact names based upon the characters of Mahabharata they were playing- Bheeshma and Parikhsit. (Karan was not a part of family, OK.)
•  Trunk Calls. :D
• Having Shashi Kapoor play Karna when you have Anant Nag and Kulbhushan Kharbanda playing Arjuna and Bheema does nothing to dispel the notion that Karna was the sexiest character of Mahabharata. Just saying.
  
  (Unrelated factoid:- Those who think Nakula-Sahdeva were just baggage handlers in the story of Mahabharata, Nakula was considered to be the most handsome person around and Sahdeva was a better administrator than all other Pandavas put together.)
• Wonder why only the most conflicted of characters in the movie –Sashi Kapoor and Supriya Pathak- used to listen to music. The former always listened to sad violin and the latter had this belief that if shit hits the fan, one should listen to equally shitty music (What’s your problem). It was as if there was too much awesomeness to Supriya Pathak and Shayam Benegal thought, “Naah. Not Fair!!” and thus gave her a crappy track to listen on loop all day. That is the only explanation of why this song “What’s your problem” even exists.
• Supriya Pathak was hot. Hot as in HOT. Now I know she was too adorable as Hansa in Khichdi but her look in Kalyug opened my eyes. Opened my eyes at least 2 feet wide. 
  
•  Amrish Puri as Krishna was such a missed opportunity. I wish his character was developed as a clever, cunning Yadav Lord that was one of the aspects of Krishna. Wanted him to be a bit like Chaddha from Damini minus the histrionics.
• OMG!! Did I see Reema Laagoo in a bedroom scene?? Wearing just petticoat and blouse? Being snogged no, savaged by husband Kulbhushan Khrabanda? How am I ever going to unsee that? Suraj Barjatya films will never be the same for me. I am too embarrassed here to even post a picture of her.
• Pro tip from Raj Babbar- “विवाहित जीवन के थोड़े से साल भी अगर सुख से कट जाएँ ना तो बाकी की ज़िन्दगी भी इंसान काट ही लेता है.”  
  Discuss (5 Marks).
  By the way, Raj Babbar and wife Rekha slept on separate single beds. Just an observation, of course.
• Was that Urmila Matondakar playing Raj Babba and Rekha’s 'son' Parikshit? How she survived in her school after this is absolutely beyond me.
  
•  Did Rekha’s character suffer a miscarriage in the past? That can only explain why Raj Babbar’s eldest -Parikshit was much younger than his younger brother’s eldest- Sunil, no?
• And what was up with Rekha’s entire character? She had her bitchy look up for so long that it was a surprise that her makeup didn't fall off halfway through the movie.
• And I was disappointed with Rekha’s role as well. Draupadi was one of the strongest personalities in the Mahabharata which has been so conveniently ignored in almost all of the cinematic adaptations we have. Here too she was reduced to being annoyed, hurt, angry, bitchy. By the end of it I was suspicious if all her eye-rolling was over the pointlessness of it all.
• I also found Anant Nag’s portrayal of Bharat/ Arjuna bizarre and corny. For some reason, I was wondering how good Raj Kumar would have been in the same role. Remember the last scene where Bharat in his phone call to Karan, emptied his entire repertoire of abuses on him? Now imagine Raj Kumar in the same scene with the much needed brevity he would brought into that scene.
• A commercially flop film like Kalyug won the Filmfare award for best film in the “Main” category in 1982. Yes, such a time existed.
• As much as this might sound like a crib post about the movie, I liked it. I liked it  very much. The story was delightfully complex. The acting was largely good and it was an entertaining movie which is where the buck stops. But I am still waiting for a better adaptation of Mahabharata. 

(Key :-- 

Karan- Shashi Kapoor- Karn

Dharmraj- Raj Babbar- Yudhishthir

Balraj- Kulbhushan Kharbanda- Bheem

Bharat- Anant Nag- Arjuna

Subhadra- Supriya Pathak- Arjuna’s wife.)

Tanu Weds Manu Returns (to 90's)

(It is going to be a rant. A rambling rant. Ye have been warned. Also spoilers.)

Straight up, let me admit, TWMR was fun. And hence it passed the necessary and sufficient criteria I have to like a film. The first half is a breeze in a manner that no matter how good the second half was, the film would have been said to be suffering from "post-interval" syndrome. The writing in the first 10 minutes including the opening credits is as good as any you will find in Hindi Cinema. And I am yet to come to terms with the fact that Tanuja Trivedi and Datto were played by the same actress.

Still, I had problems with the movie. It made me uncomfortable in the manner Ranjhana did. It reminded me of the relief that swept over me as Queen ended. If you haven't watched either, then for the want of better words, I found TWMR extremely regressive.

Look, films are not supposed to be the guardian angels of the society. That is the stick on which we pooh-pooh the no-smoking banners which can be found in many scenes these days, right? It is as much of a filmmaker's discretion to have a regressive character in his film as it is of Anurag Kashyap to have a character mouthing obscenities in every other scene with the perfect logic that, "Yaar mera character gaaliyaan deta hai to main kya karoon?". Also, there is a case that the director is actually staying true to the environment he has constructed. He is telling a story. He is not obligated to make Jai Santoshi Ma which, nevertheless was rather regressive too.

Also, a part of my problem is entirely personal. It is personal because, specially in the confines of comfort cinema like TWMR,  I am not yet enlightened enough to make a distinction between the lead actor and the "hero" of the film.  I invest my emotions in a character consistent with the manner they are being portrayed in. (Some parallels with A Song of Ice and Fire can be drawn here to which I will come later). For a moment consider Raj Kumar Yadav of Queen with Dhanush of Ranjhana or Tanu/Manu of TWMR. On a level, they are somewhat similar. They are all slaves to the society which propagates conformity.  But the portrayal was such that people clapped when Raani left Raj Kumar Yadav in Queen and people clapped when Kundan died in Ranjhana with that stalker-glorifying soliloquy. They were painted in such a manner to garner sympathy or hatred or disgust despite basically being the same character. Therein lies the dichotomy of being a "main lead" and being a "hero". If you can look beyond the portrayals, there are no heroes but only main leads. But I can't. When someone like me sees them as heroes and heroines, he viscerally prop himself onto them. You want them to make decisions which at least broadly match up to your ideology. Now, in TWMR, Madhavan was supposed to be a hero. So the first blow was that he turned out to be a wimp and nothing more. Second, more than Madhavan, the hero of the film was Datto. That you create as much anti-establishment a character as there can be and then burn her down because hey, conformity to the establishment you see, it is a bit of a downer to say the least. Imagine Raani going back to Raj Kumar Yadav in Queen. It would have ruined the movie, right? Tanuja Trivedi is the antithesis of Raani. In the scene where Datto puts down Tanu brilliantly, it could easily have been Raani speaking instead of Datto. But then, in a manner, something sort of "Raani goes back to Raj Kumar Yadav" happened.

To put it differently, if comfort cinema like TWMR is supposed to have a closure, then to me it was not a comfortable closure which, again, beats the point really.

If you are still with me, I think you are getting an impression that I am ranting that film meri marzi se kyun nahi banayai. Just to make you feel better, you are absolutely right. Nevertheless, my blog & my rules.

Now there are two parallels here I can draw with the current season of Game of Thornes series. First is the controversy regarding Sansa rape scene. For the uninitiated, she is a character which garners equal amount of sympathy and frustration from the viewers and in one of the episodes she was brutally raped. It triggered an outrage and led to The Mary Sue announcing that they will not be promoting the series any more.  The outrage was basically that "How could they do this" and that use of rape as a plot tool is regressive. I found the outrage stupid and immature and think that George R R Martin's response will be basically on the lines of "Mah show mah rules bitchezz." I won't mind a similar response from Anand L Rai for this rant of mine as well. But here is the thing- Game of Thrones is set in a regressive environment where if a girl is not a virgin, no noble family will accept her as a bride. To show a marital rape in such circumstance is as much a commentary on the milieu it is set in as much it is a plot device. It is again, basically, "Agar mera character gaali deta hai to main kya karoon?". How TWMR ended was, per se, just too out of character. Or maybe, given director's earlier works, I was too naive not to expect it.

Second parallel with Game of Thrones is that both have characters who are all prim and proper and popular but dig a little deeper and they are as rotten as the next Ram Gopal Verma release. If there is a Kundan and a Tanuja Trivedi/Manu Sharma in Anand L Rai films, there is a Daenerys and a Tyrion there. Now it takes a massive sleight of hand and skill to craft a deception like this. Or maybe there is the fact that one really believes that girls secretly love stalking, dying for one-sided love is the most glorious path to moksha and that a mature depiction of divorce is just too niche for Indian audience. Maybe somebody is still living in the 90’s.

To sum up, I loved Move on song of TWMR. The film just ended up betraying it.