Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Hoping for Hopelessness

Hope is a funny thing. It can make you believe into nothingness. Somebody created an April Fool Day. But then we don't realise that for God, everyday is a fool day. Everyday he makes a lot of people hope against logic. Everyday he sees them being fooled according to logic. Afterall, logic is the correct thing. But hope is a funny thing. Yes, it is a funny thing. I study in a college , where most of my co-hostellers are from the same city.So, on weekends they go back to their respective houses. So, when the weekend starts, you feel that my good friends are going, so I will be bored to death. You hope that when they are back , things will be better.

But then when they do, you discover that you were only hoping that they were my good friend. They come back and get on with their lives, as they should. The hope was on my part , logic was on their's. And logic is the correct thing, hope is a funny thing. You suddenly realise that the best part is over - the weekend. You realise that even sulking can be better than certain things. But suddenly the weekend arrives once more and hope plays its fun game all over again. You again start to hope, and the cycle repeats itself.
You hope that you are a good person. Polite ,sensitive, good at heart etc etc. You hope so since the people who call you friend are like that. So hopefully you must be like that. Opposites attract each other only in love , not in friendship. Then, one day you talk to somebody unknown in a bad mood and he retorts,"Why are you talking to me so rudely?" Then you realise that they are with you not because you are a good person but because they are good people. You remember that you have been talking to them as rudely, hurting them on and off, was often selfish. But they chose to ignore, play it straight because they are good people and logically they did not want to hurt me. Logically, they were good people, but you only hoped to be good. Again, logic proved to be the correct thing, hope only a funny thing.
We always hope to be good in the eyes of parents of our friends, even if the friend in question is not a girl. When you share the room with somebody in a hostel, and when his parents come visiting, you make an extra effort to clean up the room. You don't want to look messy . When you go to friend's house, you make an extra effort to keep shut, so that to shut out any opportunity that expletive might have to slip out of your mouth which often keeps cropping up in your daily parlance. I have also hoped that I am good in the eyes of the mothers of people whom I call friend. But hope is a funny thing. Their Moms are not like the people you live with . Let's put it this way- They are not obliged to be good to you. Of course, they are atleast as good as the sons they have, but they don't need to be nice to you. They have the luxury to be blunt for the sake of their sons. This luxury is coupled with the experience they have in life which gives them the ability to see through you. They can make out if you are a harsh person no matter how hard you try to be polite. Or if you are a selfish person wearing the mask of magnanimity. Don't try to butter them, the butter will melt faster than an ice cube in a furnace. Hope doesn't work with them. And I only hope which is a funnny thing.
Once mother of my one of friend was told by my classteacher to keep him away from me as I was unlikely to get even 70% in boards. By that time, I was only hoping that I will perform well in boards. But then , I promptly abandoned hope in favour of logic which told me to study well instead. And I scored 84%. And a few months earlier, the same lady told his son," Don't hang around with Sumit. He will study alright and will not let you study." My friend scored 73% . See, they can look through your selfishness. A few days earlier, a mother of somebody told me ," Bete, I used to think of you as a mature and sensible guy. But......" The eloquence of silence. You can't fudge things with them . Hope is a funny thing, which can be still beaten . Logic is not beatable. But the funny thing it is, I still hope that someday I will be seen well, if I still have people whom I can call friend.
I hope that it is like that with only mothers. Otherwise hopefully people will not shoo me away as it might be below their dignity to do so . But the problem is that I know where logic stands and where hope stands. Logically I know the answer. I want to go home. A lot of people like me and love me selflessly, but I find it difficult to reciprocate. I think that the only people I can love selflessly is my family. Presently, I am in need to love somebody selflessly. So I guess, I need to go home. I hope that the day when I board the train back home will come soon. But, then hope is a funny thing.