Thursday, February 25, 2010


Chota Munh Badi Baat...........................

 A few days ago while watching T.V I suddenly felt that the purpose of my life has been fulfilled. For him even the thought of being greater than the game is a sacrilege, but what can he do when it is thrust on him.  It was like an orgasm of happiness and nostalgia.That was when he score that 175. It happened again yesterday.  A low rung writer like me can do no justice to what happened yesterday lest the images get vilified, memories get sullen. So, here I will post the related articles from net from far more accomplished and articulate writers. On my part I will shut my eyes and reminisce in my mind and only say, Wah Ustaad......

I will keep updating the list as and when I come across other noteworthy articles

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


Last week we had cultural fest in our college DCE called “engifest”. In this there was an event called “Ad Lampoons” in which one had to make an advertisement. Me and my friend group participated. I promised quite a few of my friends that I will post the ads we made for the competition. I hoped that at least this might result in some blog traffic. But I forgot that I am no ad maker and have the imagination of a goldfish and more importantly I forgot to ask somebody to record them. So there you go ...But I do not quite have the memory of the goldfish and I can tell you the concept and execution from my memory. After all if we can have ads on radio, I can as well come here to tell you to buy this and that.

The competition had a qualifying round , in which , we had to make an ad on any product we fancy. What we did is described below in as graphic a manner as I can manage.

There is a elderly person- played by my friend Lovlesh – sitting on floor with a mobile phone in his hand trying to crack it open in as earnest in a manner possible. 

Enters a young man played by another friend Vishwadeep. (I have kept the conversations in the language they were made in.) 

“Are Uncle ji, ye kya kar riye ho?”
“Wo kuch dhoondh riya tha.”
“Par mobile ko kyun tod rahe ho? Mobile ke andar ghus baithi hai kya?”
“Abe kya bewakoofi bhari baatein kar riye ho. Kya hai wo?
“Wo kal main ek cheez khayi thi. Badi acchi thi . Chip kahe ja rahe the use. Aaj subah padha ki mobile mein bhi Chip hoye hai. So use nikal riya hoon . Uncle to main hoon hi, ye chip nikal aave to Uncle Chip ban jaye . Fir maje mein khaoonga.”

At this point a character played by me jumped in and started bellowing while kicking out the Uncle and his mobile. “Uncle Chipps, No confusion, great combination.”

Well, however big a groaner this ad might have been , we got selected. Well it was more to do with the fact that the majority of the organisers were our friends. Anyway.....

In the second round, we were asked to design an ad for MRF if they venture into Soap/Shampoo business.
We had around 15-20 mins to conceptualize, practice and enact the ad. So here it is,

There were more characters in it which I will introduce as and when they appear. There was a narrator, which was played by me. So the scene opens thus....


Aaiye aapko dikhate hain MRF shampoo ke tarah tarah ke upyog.

Enter two people –one Jhandu played by Lovlesh, and another Kamina played by Vishwadeep. Kamina applies the shampoo on his hair and Jhandu who looked pure dumbass figures that since it is from MRF, it must be for use on tyres. So,

Ek ne lagaya baal par aur doosre ne lagaya car ke tyre par.

Enters my friend Abhishek who plays a girl called Haseena . Both approach her on their bikes.

-Aur ye hai haseena
Ek hai jhandu, doosra Kameena.

When they approach her, both apply brakes, Jhandu’s bike skids off as it became extra smooth due to use of MRF shampoo. Kameena takes off with Haseena on his bike.

Jhandu ka nikla paseena ,
haseena ko le gaya kameena.

MRF Shampoo, Kuch Bhi Smooth Kare.

So that was it. We won the first prize. But that was more to do with the fact that the organisers were our friends and the number of other participants was probably not more than 3, some of whom were there with crap like Main bahut pareshan tha, meri height bahut kam thi. and so on.

I was the scriptwriter, dialogue writer, director, music director, lyricist for the play. (I paid everyone of these 500 each to claim the credits. And anyway, they do not blog.Hehe.)

P.S- The links given are of orkut profiles.
Image courtesy

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Mera Naam Hai Chamili

Mera naam hai chamili

Main hoon plumber albeli,

Chali aayi main akeli,

ThakRey ke ghar se.

Uska pot tha bilkul toota,

Usme atak gaya tha uska lota,

lote ko nikala maine badi zor se.

Aur haan , meri chaal bhi hai matwali.

(video link)

And you know, I had a lot of difficulty doing that. I hate yellow colour na.I know that the pot is white, but somethimes,it is not what is outside that matters, but what is inside that matters, and inside ThakRey's it is all yellow yellow, you know. Are I am talking about his pot only re, but you know what I mean, you naughty.....I know. And remember,

My name is Chamili.

And I am not toilet saaf karne waali

I am a plumber re.

I know I might remind you of that Chameli or this Chameli but, I am Chamili re.I am as sweet as that you know and even uglier than before, but this time I have my husband Kajal Johnokhan for company. No, not that Kajal from Hum Paanch re, she was a girl re,not a boy. For a long time I used to think of her as boy, but then after marriage I realised that she is a girl. You know I have Asperger’s syndrome na, that is why. God programmed me with that syndrome. He actually wanted to program me with Autism , but that is coded in java , Asperger’s in C. It is easy to program , you C . Only a, b, C.So, now I am like a programmed robot.So sweet.But, Kajal is also sweet. Sweeter than me even . I first thought that he must be suffering from Autism to marry me. But then after marriage I came to know that actually he wanted to adopt me . It would have been an added advantage. You see, I am also a plumber na, specializing in toilets. But then he was not allowed to adopt a big lady like me. But then , with someone one with Aspirer’s syndrome , no Asperger’s syndrome like me , It does not really matter whether you marry or adopt, does it?

And then, you know, mere marad ne mujhe ghar se bahar nikal diya . What did I do? Just I tried to revive his son, who fell into a drain which I forgot to repair. And tried to bring him to life with an electric shocker which I had repaired to function at 10 volts but which gave a current at 100 instead. So he died. But I was able to remove the black marks due to electricity by using choona-choona. See, I can repair almost anything. Even the dead, you see.

Last week I saw 3 idiots. My favorite scene was when Amir was taking bath in the bathroom. I am the plumber na. So, in ThakRe’s house, I installed a pump operated pot. You don’t have to apply pressure to relieve yourself there. No more sounds like aaah …aaah ..aah then aha…. like that come from his toilet now. You see , I don’t like loud noises as well, na.

Now, my husband wanted me to meet the person who invented the toilet and learn the skill of repairing toilets. Did I say I can repair almost anything. Please notice that " almost". So, I am off to meet him. I have visited many toilets, but I have not found him yet. Does he go to toilets? Silly question , he must be. But I suffer from Asperger’s syndrome no, so like tubelight you know..

And now I am off to Will-she-mean-kya. It is a place in northern jungles. It was visited by Katrina last yesterday. Not the hurricane baba,Kaif re.Katrina kaif. Haan haan real waali. She went there to learn aping skills from a monkey. She thinks if she can speak hindi then it will be good to promote Rajneeti. Nahi re, she will not learn hindi from the monkey, only nakal. Then she will be able to imitate Prakash Jha well. But what to do, she caught dysentry there. Loose motion. Everybody knows that she does not know how to act. I am letting you a liitle secret . She doesnot know how to act, and she does not know how to clean her toilet either. That is why I am going there. But let me remind you,

My name is chamili,

and I am not a toilet saaf karne waali.

I am a plumber re.

But she is Katrnia re.

So I am going. I have seen on T.V that there is a lot of foul smell out there. That is all caused by Katrina- When she has visited the toilet and when she has not. All the wild animals have fled the jungle therefore. Actually half of the animals had already fled when they came to know that Katrina is visitng. They thought that Salman will come too. but he did not. Guess he knew about the gastronomic variations of Katrina. Now, don't ask me that how did I remember "Gastronomic" if I have Asperger's syndrome. If I can remember Asperger's then I can remember Gastronomic as well. Now don't go into much details. I remember the choiciest of abuses as well. Teri maa ki...

Do you think that I have stretched my story too far? Yes, I also think so. I am late by 25-30 mins now. I must go. You know , even the monkeys have fled. So I must hurry. I might get to meet that man who invented toilet there. And If I do,Kajal will adpot me once again.

And yes, please remember, that the story of my life is as true as Mehnaz herbal beauty products and PBC. What did you say? Liar, liar, pants on fire? But that is my dialogue , Cheater cock.But, let me turn back and see. Oh yes....I am burning. I want to cry, but I can't. I just don't understand if I can remember "Asperger's" why can't I remember how to cry. Where are my stones now......

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Bacche Man ke Sachhe

This happened at the book fair today. There was a dog which was a stray dog, and there was a girl who was not a stray girl. But far more importantly, they had one thing in common- they were both small, charming, spontaneous. This may be was the first time I found a dog cute.

The girl quietly walked up to the dog and picked it up. And the pup quietly got into her lap. Picking a teddy bear was never easier.
The mother came running,
"Leave it , dress dirty ho jayegi

The girl gave her a look which said," I want him"

"Are chor do, beemar ho jaogi."

The girl gave her a look which said," I want him"

"Neeche rakho. Dekho naani aa rahi hain."
And a reincarnation of Lalita Pawar walked in.

The girl gave her a look , which said,"I want him, not her."

But after some squabbling, the girl was allowed to keep him. For the whole duratiion, the dog never tried to leave the girl.

I have never seen a more sweet, endearing, charming and affectionate sight in my life. Was there some kind of instant bonding between two? Forget Zoo Zoo, where are those Vodafone people man?

Bacche kisi ke bhi ho, sabhi kitne innocent hote hain!!!!

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Why I have never had a girlfriend

Yesterday I was strolling around the campus with my friend when he got a message from his girlfriend. It went thus,

Santa went to his girlfriend's father to ask for marriage between her and him.
Her father was a Sardar and he replied with a lot of pride," Oye, tu meri beti se shaadi karega. Tujhe pata hai, jitni teri monthly salary hai, itne mein to uska toilet paper bhi nahi aayega. Tu shaadi karega??"

Santa replied calmly," Je inni ta*ti kardi hai wo, fir to rahne hi do."

My friend asked me what to reply to this. I advised to reply," Tera baap sardaar hai kya?"

Well, he followed suit. A couple of hours later, there were two more additions to my kind of people in the world i.e. singles.

That is why................

Rann & the other one

Ram Gopal Verma knows two ways of making movies. One is how to make a movie and other is that he does not know how to make a movie. The last time he was RGV was when he made Bhoot . I did not like Sarkar ; it was less likeable than the Godfather. And it was definitely far inferior than the book. Godfather the book was more about relationships, the aura , the undercurrent and human nature and its vagaries. Sarkar was more about Amitabh, the expressionless Abhishek , the mercurial Kay Kay and above all RGV, the middle name for which he presume was G for GOD not GOPAL. The actors became bigger than the characters and the movie for me ended up in sketches which were devoid of colours and life. Post that repeatedly our Darling RGV, tried to Phoonk away all his credentials for some entirely Agyaat reasons in his own RGV ki AAG. But when RGV decides to be RGV, few forces in world can join Company. Rann reminds you of all RGV is capable of . But when I entered the theatre , there were all of18 people inside it. Yes, I counted them. It reminded me of another aspect of RGV which he is capable of. He can scare people off theatres even without his darawane attempts. He will do well to remind himself that to keep his antics like GO and Shiva - to mention a few others - to himself , so that a genuine effort like Rann can generate viewership. Yes, Rann is good. And there are several reasons for that. One being his desperation to save a sinking ship. RGV that is. It is not in class of Company or Satya, but then a lot of movies we have been calling good were not there either. At least it is far better than classics like Darna mana hai and its sequel Aahat-Part2. (read:Darna jaroori hai.)
Moving on , I really do not remember the last time two ,movies as different as RGV and Vishal Bhardwaj released on the same day , and I walked out with the same heady feeling for the two. Ishqiya is like one of the dialogues in it,”Ishq mein sab bewajah hota hai.” A lot of things in Ishqiya is bewajah (illogical) , but still the movie is like Ishq- titillating, steamy, spicy, raunchy. To use another reference from the movie –the Ishq I am talking about is not like one feels for a Pari. But the type one nurtures for a Tawayaf. And for that very reason it falters . Like an elusive lover it occasionally and finally frustrates you. A sense of emptiness adds to that feeling of “What could have been”. Even though the film carries an unmistakeable watermark of Vishal Bhardwaj, the hands of a inexperienced director show up although a promising pair one must say.
Talking about watermark, let me return to Runn. The Film has got a distinct , almost opaque watermark of Sarkar. RGV could have easily named this movie Rannkar. Except for the fact that Kay Kay was better than Sudeep and Ritesh is far better than –ankhiyon se only goli mare- Abhishek Abhishek. And yes, did Sudeep put drugs in his cigarette and smoke? Please somebody take away cigarettes from the dude man. Cigarette chadhti hai us ko. Was not cigarette smoking banned on screen? On second thoughts, government should give out video of Jai smoking with every packet of cigarettes. More people will quit than they would if it was banned altogether. And talking of bans, why can’t Neetu Chandra be banned from Indian films? She is getting more irritating than when I get shut in room with friends watching stupid English sitcoms which are “Chandra-ishly” irritating specially so when they guffaw out loudly now and then and yours truly is left wondering what the big deal is.
Another reason I liked Rann was because how it surprised me. I had never expected this from RGV of AAg fame. And no I am not talking about the script. It is as predictable as Ekta Kapoor; I was able to guess almost every next scene. But still the movie retained its raciness for almost the entire length even for someone with a prejudiced mind like me. Now , that is an achievement and that is why it was a surprise. Another surprise was Mohnish Behl. Now do you remember him? Then you might remember when he did act as well as in Rann. May be before he jumped on the Rajshri bandwagon. Did he do any movies earlier? I really don’t remember , so please if anyone does, let me know. He just about manages to avoid being in your face, avoid being hysterical, in short just manages to avoid being Rajshri-ish. Another actor who is a surprise was Rajpal Yadav, but for entirely opposite reasons. In the performance of these two actors lies the maverick RGV. He can make Behl act as he has never ever had , and can make Rajpal Yadav a cringing force he has never been . All for the cause, but he comes a bit hard on senses. As for rest , Amitabh when he acts poorly is news and he has not done that since Lal Badhshah. He was passable even in Hum Kaun Hain. Apart from him , the movie has got a cast which is bigger than the one in even Kahani Ghar Ghar ki.And the best thing is that only Neetu Chandra is worse than Parvati Maiya. About the others, Gul Panag was gul for most of the movies, and anyway they all looked like cinematic version of Mayawati.
The talk of lady characters bring me back to Ishqiya. But first tell me that is there anyone, who writes dialogues better than Vishal Bhardwaj. and better than Guljar to weave songs around those dialogues? Of course we are presently discounting the dialogue writer of movie “Gunda” otherwise he will win hands down. You can’t ignore a person who gave gems like, “Main hoon Bulla , rakhta hoon sab kuch khulla” and “Mera naam hai Ibu Hatela, maan meri chudail ki beti, baap mera shaitan ka chela, khaega kela?” and “mera naam hai pote, jo apne baap ke bhi nahi hote.” But we will talk about that jab maine apne maathe se gunda nahi dekhne ka kalank dho diya hoga. I am getting senti here, so lets get back to the point.
I wanted to write a post on Runn , but see what I am talking about. Some movies are like that. Like Gunda, Like Ishqiya. One can’t help when one is so fresh in mind. Ishqyia has its rough edges, but they seem to be carved in perfection. Has there ever been a bigger tharki than Arshad ? Has anybody been ever able to portray that swift transition from rouge to suave better than Naseer? And will not talk about Vidya. It will sour the memories. They are best left untouched, unshared. But the movie trudges slowly, and its twists do not appear like twists. But still it has got a fleeting spark within itself, right from the disclaimer, which says that the characters are imaginary to a large extent. . But the spark is the problem, coz it is too intermittent, more so under the air of huge expectations I carried with myself into the theatre.
For me this week the seasoned player trumped the debutante by a thin margin, but I suspect if Runn will do well. RGV has created such a market which is keener on not buying his product because of his antics which he translated into movies. Here is the proof. Abhishek Chaubey comes with no such baggage. That is an advantage, more so , if you happen to be from Vishal Bhardwaj stable .