Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Flays Of IPL3

The IPL completed 10 days on 22nd. And here is my collection of my IPL moments so far, called Flays of IPL3.
The Mascot:-  

Shilpa Shetty watched IPL 1 from the confines of her or Raj Kundra’s  bedroom. Rajasthan Royals won.  For the subsequent season, she decided to take the plunge from the bedroom to the boardroom. Result:- RR finished 6th. And in the third season, they are currently challenging KXi of Punjab for the last spot. That is some good luck. But did somebody say Preity Jinta now????

Catch of the IPL:-

I am tempted to give this to my friend who went to stadium in  that match, in which flies were flying  faster and in a larger number than sixes. So my friend thought  “Lucky Break” and caught  25 of them. Last heard he was being approached by Allout people after the original Allout man’s contract expired. Tap..Tap...Tap..
         But it has to be given to the man who cannot be denied- The DADA. Just like crime master GOGO- “Ab aaya hoon to kuch to lekar hi jaaonga.”  This season he has batted as if Greg Chappel is after him with a chappal  in his one hand and with his other hand showing the most venerable of gestures with which he even obliged Kolkata people once. He has fielded as if he has fixed the game and  has not bowled at all for fears of making matters worse. Sachin’s  batting yesterday might have brought the feeling that he has rolled back the years. BUT......what Dada did, one cannot say even that. Coz, he had never done even nearly the same earlier, ever. It came from a man who throughout his playing career treated fielding with as much respect as Pakistan treats India’s requests to hand over Hafiz Sayeed. But here he stretched his right hand, jumped in the air as if he was participating in a jalebi race  with Nagma not jalebis hanging from the rope above, then he caught the ball ‘s’ , thudded down on the ground and gave a sheepish smile as if his wife has watched all this and also his thought process.  Disarmed , was I ? Ohhhh...... Absolutely.

Team of the IPL:- Well....KKR will always remain one of the top dogs for this, with their golden stripes over purple uniform  giving stiff competition to old hindi proverb “Ek to karela aur upar se neem chadha” . Aur uske upar se Shahrukh chadha. But this time they are beaten , by the commentary team of Set Max.  A team comprising of the likes of Danny “mujhko dekho”  Morrison, whose only claim to fame are his BUTTon HOLE shaped eyes, which are used to frighten kids back home and who makes me and them sing,
“Ye kaali kaali ankhen,
Ye gore gore gaal,
Suna hai jo tujhko Morrison,
Hua hai bura haaaaaaahl.”

And then there is LSR, which is out there to obliterate every good memory of Lady Shriram Collge and Love , Sex and Dhokha and putting each one of Lord Lakshman, Shiva, Ram and Krishna to absolute shame by his abject inarticulateness and hyperbole. The only saving grace is Harsha , who might be feeling like Sachin on his tours to Australia and South Africa as captain in late nineties. I sympathise with you Harsha, I really do.

Debut of IPL:-
I just wonder why all the innovations in cricket happen only for the batsmen? Powerplay, free hit, reverse sweep, switch hit, Dilscoop and now mongoose. Batting with it must have felt like playing a facebook game. Take two , three trials and then if you are good enough, you can break a lot of records. And Hayden is more than mere good. The exact count of no of sixes he hit after he made the mongoose debut, is something I do not remember. But what I remember is the sight of a man who used to murder his opponents using a SMG instead given a sniper rifle and a license. Accurate & deadly. But why do they call it mongoose? It kills balls not snake.  Pun strictly not intended. 

Stat of the IPL:-
I was tempted to give this to the number or non-number, Infinity. That has been the average of Jaques Kallis so far, but that also has been the no of times orgasmic commentators have screamed city moment of success and  Karbon Kamal  catch .
             But the Set Max told me KXIP won against CSK. By 9 wickets. In the super over. Well, a team whose owner happens to be Ness-Less Patty Auntie and which consists of hamara khaata-peeta bachha Yuvvvraj  who after the match could go straight to Kake Da Dhabba to advertise their aaloo ke paranthe with butter , could have won by nine wickets, the only way had to be a huge gaffe. And Set Max happily obliged. For the uninitiated, in the Super Over, you only win , not by some number of  wickets. 

IPL  Man of the Moment:-
Nobody deserves this award more than Arun Lal. Nobody lives in the moment more than him. He does not know what happened earlier and he looks like he lives in perennial fear of being sacked the very next moment. So he prefers to live in present.  Oblivious to what happened earlier, incongruous to what is going to happen. Watching him in extra inning opposite Gaurav Kapoor is the broadcasting equivalent of a bowler facing Hayden batting on 55 of 31 balls, with a mongoose in hand and killer instinct in mind. Fabulous sight...both. 

Player of IPL:-
I want my fake IPl player back.  No one is remotely as interesting.  Not even Chris Gayle wrapped in  baingan aur sona  , a black bandana and a beautiful smile. And they are not even playing Sreesanth this year. Not that he is worried. After all he is going to be the icon player of Kocchi next year. If that happens , he will surely be my player of the IPL4. For now , I will go straight and offer this to Sachin.  Kallis has scored more runs , but for a lot of Indians including me , Sachin not only makes runs, he makes your insides go upside down. He makes our days instead,  not only runs. Kallis can never do that. Period.

Ball of the IPl:-
A ball comes up and then it comes down. And is caught and for a change nobody blares Karbonn Kamal Catch. Coz the ball is pink in colour and is going to be scribbled on by somebody who they simply don’t know. And for the people who catch it, they are happy coz they have got a ball for their sons to play, though it has been dirtied by somebody by scribbling across it. They will go home and erase that using some spirit lest somebody comes to them and asks why Mitchell Marsh and Moise Henriques is written on it and they are left with a face redder than the ball when they do not know who these people happen to be. 

And finally shot of the IPL:-
It has not been played yet. It will be when somebody will hit that giant screen flashing “Eligible for the Strategic Timeout”. Till then let’s wait. Huh...bloody cheek .

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