Akalooo from Patna Khatal: Dhoni Bhaiyya Aur Sakshi

ईईह्ह्ह्ह. इ का कर बैठे धोनी भैया!!!!! मतलब हम भी बिहार के ही हैं. तो का हुआ जो आप झारखण्ड के हैं . अरे झारखण्ड भी तो बिहार के पीछे से ही निकला है न जी. और फिर अपना पढाई लिखी भी तो हम रांची से ही किये हैं. का फरक पड़ता है  जो हम आपके राईभाल स्कूल में पढ़ते थे? फिर भी भैया तो कह ही सकते हैं न. खैर छोरिये, पर ई का कर डाले? अरे दीपिका, प्रियंका, कटरीना और पता नहीं कौन कौन को छोड़ कर आप कहाँ ई साक्षी के पल्लू में डेरा जमा लिए. और तो और हमको बताये भी नहीं . अरे हम आपके सबसे बड़े फैन , कूलर, एः सी जो ठहरे. अरे हमको ही लगा लेते विवाह मंडप में. मुंहवा से फूँक फूँक कर आपको ठंडा कर देते. अरे साक्षी जी को देख कर ठंडा ठंडा आहें निकलता सो अलग. अरे जलन का नहीं . हमको गलत मत समझिएगा. अरे आप पर दया भावना का आहें निकलता. पूरा बर्बाद कर दिया हमारा लड़का को. तिलक विलक मिला की नहीं?

अरे का का सपना सब नहीं देखे थे हम आपको ले कर. सब का गुर गोबर बना के ऊपर से मन भर पानी और उड़ेल दिया. जो की गोबर से लीपी पुताई भी न हो!! अरे हमरे सपना में रोज आप आते थे. बस शकल हमरी होती थी.  पर होते आप ही थे. काहे की जब आप बाल कटाए न तो फिर हमरे सपने में भी हमारे बाल कट गए. तो फिर हम समझ गए की ई तो साक्षात् महाप्रभु ही हैं . और इस से भी अच्छी बात बतावें. अरे आप के साथ होती थी हमारी स्वप्न सुंदरी लोग. कभी हम दीपिका के गले में हाथ रख के गुटर गूं कर रहे होते थे. और कभी हम देखते थे की हमारे पीछे सलमान खान काले हिरन पर बैठ कर हाथ में बड़ा सा मोटा सा सोंटा लेकर हमारे पीछे हमको गरियाता हुआ भागा आ रहा है . और हम कटरीना को ले कर अपनी राजदूत फटफटिया से फुर्र होते जा रहे हैं . और देखे का पता है, सलमान रास्ते में ही गिर जात है. अरे वो उस काले हिरन को मार के खा जाता है न. और हम कटरीना को ले कर …….. अब माना की उ आप ही होते हैं, पर सपने में भी हमरी कुछ गोपनीयता रहनी चाहिए की नहीं. जहाँ देखो मुंह उठता कर चले आते हैं!!! और एक बार तो प्रियंका……खैर छोरिये अब का ही हम भगजोगनी की तरह टिमटिमआयें. अब का हमरे सपना में अब ऊ साक्षी जी आएँगी? और हम का उनको लोरी सुनायेंगे? की हमारे साथ वो आके पोशम्पा भाई पोशम्पा खेलेंगी? आपके लिए तो परफेक्ट रहेगी, ज़िन्दगी भर बैठ के हुकुम चलाइयेगा बच्ची पर. पर हमारा तो सोच लिया होता न!! अरे हमारा नहीं तो हमारे सपने का ही सोच लिया होता. कहाँ दीपिका और कहाँ साक्षी . सपनवा नहीं बताने में भी मज़ा नहीं आएगा. अरे उसे अच्छी तो हमारी भैंसिया ही है हाँ. अरे कम से कम गोबर तो देती है शुद्ध. उसमे पानी तो नहीं डालती मन भर.
 और का पता कौन कौन ऊहाँ आया होगा?  हमको तो आप दुरदुराय ही दिए. अब बाद में ई  मत बांचियेगा की हम कार्ड तो भेजे थे पर पहुंचा नहीं. काहे की हमको पता है की आपकी शादी में कार्ड नहीं पास भेजे गए हैं. खैर हम पोस्ट मास्टर से पूछते हैं कहीं ऊ तो नहीं दबा गया ससुरा. हम आते तो क्या पता चार आना सपना हमरा बच ही जाता. कोई आ ही गयी होती. कोई मिल ही गयी होती. अब ई मत समझिएगा की हम अपनी औकात को भूल गए हैं. वैसे किशन भगवान् और लालू जी हमारी ही बिरादरी से ही हैं. वैसे तो गांधारी ने हमारे कुल को आमूल चूल नष्ट हो जाने का श्राप दिया था. पर हम बच गए, लालू जी के साथ. ही ही ही. पर हैं तो हम ग्वाले ही की औकात के ना. पर सपना चाहे अमिताभ का हो या हमारा, वो तो औकात नहीं देखता न. सो, वही हमारे सपने में भी दू आना चार आना बच जाता अगर आप बुलाय लेते.
पर बुलाया किसको आपने. ऊ धूम के धुआं को. अरे ऊ तो जिंदा बच भी नहीं पाया था. हृतिक तो बच भी गया था. और उसके पास तो एक भैंसिया तो पहले से ही है. बिपासा कहते है न उसको. ऊ का करेगा सपना सजा के?  और  किसको तो बुलाये!! सुरेश रैना को . अरे जिसके नाम में ही रैना है ऊ आपके ज़िन्दगी में का खा के सवेरा करेगा? देखिएगा ऊ पक्का आपकी साक्षी जी पर लाइन वा मारेगा. अब का करें ई साक्षी जी के लिए “भाभी” शब्द जबान से फिसलिये न रहा है न. इहाँ हम का का नहीं सोचे थे आपकी दुल्हनिया की लेकर और आप ई साक्षी के साथ अग्नि का साक्षी ले बैठे. और हमको बुलाये भी नहीं. हम होते तो का पता हमरे नाम अकलू से आपको थोड़ी सी अक्कल ही आ जाती. अरे हम तो तभी से आपका फैन कूलर बने बैठे हैं जबसे हमको पता लगा की आप दिन में 4 किल्लो दूध पीते हैं शुद्ध. पाकिट वाला नहीं. ई अमूल और मदर देरी तो हमरा धंधा का इतना नुक्सान कर चूका है न की का बतावें जितना की बिना पानी मिलाये दूध बेचना भी नहीं किया. हमको लगा की कोई और हमारा ख्याल करे न करे , आप तो कीजियेगा ही. अब आपके यहाँ शुद्ध पनीर कैसे बनेगा , हमको तो फिकर हो रहा है. हमरा सपना गया सो गया. पर ई तो विवाह है न जी.
खैर , अपने रिसेप्सन में ई देख लीजियेगा की ऊ बिपाशा भैंसी हमारी भैंसिया के सामने न फटके . ऊ का है न की उसको जलन हो गया तो. रिसेप्सन का कार्ड अभी तक तो नहीं आया है, पर शादी में तो हम ज़ब्त कर गए. अब ना आये तो आप बुरा नहीं मान जाइयेगा. और हमको कार्ड का का ज़रुरत? अरे दूध नहीं चाहिए का अब? बाकी बात सब रिसेप्सन में आ कर करेंगे. और हाँ , आपको शादी का बहुत बहुत मुबारकबाद.

An Open Letter to Ms Priya Ramani

For Reference , please first read this link

Dear Ms Ramani,

Thank you, Ms Ramani for reminding me that I am an Indian. You know , the world cup is going on and I did not at all follow the Asia Cup . Actually I have not been following cricket since the World T20 started. This disinterest started to make me feel if I am cent per cent Indian still. But thanks to your article- and I am being polite and Indian enough to call it just an article- I now know that I am still an Indian . Cent per cent, or may be more.

No, I don’t spit in public, haven’t ever tried to watch any Indian soap let alone trying to like or understand them, don’t like mangoes either and only if necessary start the conversation with remark, “How slim you have become!!” instead of going other way around. Heck , I have even resisted the temptation to ask Harsha Bhogle on his timeline as to how he got his crop of new hair, in spite of the fact that I am going to be completely hairless in two years. But yes, my father likes mangoes. And he is an Indian. And as a public servant done more for the Indian people than you ever will through your journalistic duties. And yes, he does his work as dutifully as ever and in fact loves his work. So technically in your eyes , he is not an Indian. Indian bureaucrats don’t do that, do they? But paradoxically for you he still calls himself Indian. And so do a lot of other people who continuously strive to make India the “greatest place on earth” that you so frown about despite of numerous hurdles and cynics.   People like Mr. Kalam, Mr E. Sreedharan, my father, me if I do my work well, and even you Ms Ramani , if you aspire to bring about some change through your writings and try to  write well.

Ms Ramani I celebrate all my festivals the way the way they are meant to be celebrated coz I think the person who invented festivals must have been the greatest psychologist out there , ever. And he did not tell us that we should not be up on Christmas as people are supposed to sleep in night or that we should all turn vegetarian as it is so cruel for the poor turkey to lose its life for us to celebrate on thanksgiving or that we should not get spongy drunk and get all brash and loud on the new year’s eve. Likewise he did not tell me that I ought not burst crackers on Diwali night coz it disturbs the dogs and the people who are old or that I should refrain from pouring colours on Holi just because I think colours are more ‘colourful’ than being bland. Tell you what Ms Ramani, if I do not care about the Turkey, I might as well not care about the dogs and  those old people must have done the same when they were of my age i.e. burst a lot of crackers and throw colours. But then you might choose to disagree with the shrink or with me. Bloody well, you can – I am not going to burst crackers in your house or throw colours on you. Because it is in India you are. You can easily say screw off without the danger of being screwed yourself.

You curse a politician and well, any one should for what he has done. But I really don’t think that a major chunk of our politicians are Indians at all. They are Hindus, Muslims, or Yadavs, Brahmins , or from any other caste before being an Indian. Or else they are Biharis, Bengalis, form Telengana, or south Indians, or Marathis . Or in this case they are simply being males than being Indians. May be you have been looking in wrong places Ms Ramani.  Indians are not like Politicians that they have. It is the other way around. Politicians are not like the Indians they represent.

Yes, I  too don’t think that India is the greatest country around. But still I am Indian because as long I try to work to make it the greatest country , I will be Indian I guess. Most of the chest thumping on Jai Ho came from the NRI community who for all there ‘Indian-ness’reside In their USA and Canada for the ‘standard of living’ they get there and have scantly done anything for their INDIA. If you think that they are Indians , may be you have been using wrong frames as well. For most of the Indians, Slumdog Millionaire was an overstretched tale of the notion West has about India. That while we are no more a country of snakes and elephants, all we have is abject poverty, software professionals, and riots. It only interested us because it won us two Oscars. Did  you find Slumdog Millionaire insightful? Watch  Bawarchi -  a Rajesh Khanna movie. It will tell you more about Indian values than any Danny Boyle America can bring here. Danny Boyle would never tell you that India is the only country where you will get away with calling the national God “A Loser” as you call Ram or publicly bashing the very existence of the major festivals being held here.  It is not that we don’t care. It is because we know how to keep quiet when someone disagrees. How to make the other person feel acknowledged in the peaceful terms even if he says ‘no’ in the most blasphemous and ridiculous manner. We are not going to tell you to buzz off in the manner  Joel Stein does. He is an American you  know. But still if you think that his version is more respectable, then you are still welcome. It is India, after all.

Or, maybe you tried to inject some humour or to use a better word, some ‘sarcasm’ in your piece, and maybe I didn’t get that. But I have always believed that it is not your readers fault if he doesn’t get your sarcasm, it is yours. You  were not subtle enough or maybe you were not revealing enough. What do you think? You may choose to disagree and say that I am not intellectual enough to understand you ‘intended’ humour. And I am okay with it. I give you the right to disagree because I am an Indian. I have seen a lot of people crying hoarse on a lot of matters like region and religion. People who tend to think that people do not have the right to think otherwise in their so called ‘jurisdiction’. Ms Ramani, did somebody attack your office or your car or your house for writing what you did? I would think not. Maybe you will reckon the reason for that is that more people watch My Name Is Khan in India than those who read an English newspaper- a business one at that.   But I think that it is because there are more people in India who are Indian than those who are merely Hindu, Muslim or Marathi .  So while you say that my fellow Indian lot is deeply unaware of the existence of anybody other than his own , he is wild, uncouth, uncultured, do not respect women, eats mangoes(!!!!!), watches dumb shows etc etc, I am just going to smile at you and politely say that while I do not agree with your views, and so will millions of my fellow Indians whom you so conveniently choose to keep out of the definition of being ‘Indian’, I will not vandalise either your home or your office, will not try to get you to leave the country, or to get a fatwa issued against you or try to get a hefty bounty placed on your head.  Because you are in India, does not matter whether you think yourself as an Indian or not . And by the virtue of being in India, you have the right to disagree. And if Ms Ramani, by any chance you somehow read this post where I disagree with your views, and still you do not flag this blog for having difference of opinion,  Ms Ramani, sorry to say, but you are still an Indian.



Welcome to India,
Sumit

Bak Bak Bak Bak .....Ravan - Movie Review

When I walked out of the theatre having watched Ravan, one of my friend started humming Ranjha Ranjha. Well, the song was not even in the movie. Actually it was so difficult to remember anything from the movie that he chose to hum something which was not in the movie.

It is quite difficult to write about Ravan. Actually, it is difficult to recall anything worth writing about Ravan. Except the cinematography and the music. Sadly, this time Mani Ratnam chooses to rely more on his apprentices than on his own a story telling skills. Moments are still there , but they do not build up to a credible story line. Rahman is as usual top-notch and the camera work by Santosh Sivan is once in a lifetime stuff , but when through the length of the movie, you start to get the feeling that you were better off buying the audio cd and then taking some screenshots, you know that the movie will have difficulty redeeming itself. Maybe they would come out with an album with shots of the movie as a redeeming feature. But till then there is hardly anything to write. I can write pages about say both Maqbool and Drona. One was exemplary film making and other absolute drivel. But more importantly I am going to remember both of them. Presently I am having difficulty remembering scenes from Ravan, a movie I saw few hours back. And that is the worst feeling I can have after watching a movie. And that is sad. More so coz it came from Mani Ratnam Stable.

The problem with Ravan is that once you take your eyes off the camera work and your ears off the music , all you see is incessant humming and all you hear is blatant cacophony. Disappointingly the subtlety that was so apparent in Guru is thrown out of the window. Of all the actor on display the best performance came from Ravi Kissen. Now do I need to say anything about the performance of the rest of the cast, though the performance is a credit to the actor Ravi Kissen has grown into. Heck, in a movie of Abhishek, Aishwarya, ManiRatnam, I am talking about Ravi Kissen!!!! Who would have thought? But then, you get the trend , don’t you? Abhishek has still not found a shaving blade and by the looks of it, it seems he had spent a long time in a mental asylum looking for it. Chak chak chak chak, bak bak bak bak. He chooses to exaggerate  Lallan from Yuva rather than try for a redux of Gurukant Desai. The latter would have been definitely more bearable. Aishwarya looks so lost as to why is her husband acting like this that she completely forgets that she is in a movie herself. Govinda looks as if he has jumped straight from the sets of Maharaja, if you remember that there was such a movie. And then comes the guy whom plays Ram or whatever he is called. He tries sooo hard to shed his southern accent that he makes Abhishek Bachhan look less irritating. Now, even Mani Ratnam could not manage to do that in this movie. That’s saying something , right?I didn’t even bother to check up his name.  I can see why is the Tamil version of the movie where the same guy plays Ravan is a big hit. Ahem, Ahem.

There is a scene in the movie, where a lot of people from the village  tell the police inspector and you what is Beera like. Now, do you remember any instance while watching Guru, where you had to ask yourself as to what Gurukant Desai is like? Why? Because the focus of Guru was on the story content. The  characters came out in a beautiful subtle manner. Subtlety as an option is as absent as “Pride and Glory” were from England’s football world cup campaign. Here you have Aishwarya shrieking, the man who played Ram shouting and Abhishek Bachhan hamming which was worse than shouting. Was he trying to project a scary image? Instead, he reminded me of this video. For reasons known to them only everyone in the movie tries to thrive on excess, but only cinematography looks good while exaggerated.  The movie by the way is a photographer’s delight, a cinematographic orgasm. But wish, I could say the same for the rest .

But a lot of these things could have been glossed over only if the script was good enough. But the plain simple fact is that no matter what we talk about, Ravan is a long , boring movie. It doesn’t involves, it doesn’t surprises and most damningly , it doesn’t  interest. Actually to be fair to the scriptwriter, when you decide to make a movie on Ramayana, he has to work his way out of a very inherent flaw, that is lack of drama. Ramayana is a very straightforward story of love and revenge devoid of any drama. There are no twists, there are no traitors , there are no cunning plans , there is nothing to shake you through the scruff of your neck in Ramayana. And if you are thinking about the Vibhishana episode, that bit in Ravan is badly chopped out to leave the Vibhishana guy nothing but an extra. Ramayana the serial was a phenomenon despite its poor actors and hyperbole because of the religious audience. And with a plot like that , if you are going to project Ravan as God and Ram as opposite, Mani Ratnam should have realised that he is trading in thin waters. A case in point is Rajneeti. It was based on Mahabharata, and loosely took threads from The Godfather. Few books written have had more drama in them than these two. So in spite of the sincere attempts of the Rajneeti Director to screw up the movie in the second half, the end product felt good. That the people came out of the theatres feeling good, was more of a credit to these two books than the director. Ravan- devoid of drama, the director is somewhat helpless, somewhat inept to handle such an even more inept script.

In the end , Ravan left me indifferent . In my dictionary, that is as sorry a reaction I can have for any movie. After Guru,  I was really looking forward to Ravan. I will still look forward to Mani Ratnam’s next, but the dynamics of my expectations would have changed. Sadly.